Purposefully Accidental

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Well, excluding beating cancer—that was pretty exciting. I was really proud of myself for that.

But I don't want to talk about my cancer. I don't really... want to talk about my sad, pathetic few years.

It's not that I don't want him to know. I just don't know how to tell him. I don't know how he'd react. I never had to tell anyone about any of this. Outside of my family and Gina, at least. But I didn't exactly have to tell them. They knew because they were there with me as I was going through it.

We sit on a vacant bench. Jonah is looking at me, expectantly, but giving me time to collect my thoughts first. It takes a long time for me to finally find a way to start this.

"I had a plan, after getting my bachelor's degree," I begin. "I was gonna move here, get my master's and my teaching certificate as soon as I can. I wanted to cram as many hours as possible, graduate as soon as possible. Eventually work at a school in the state—or maybe back home, I hadn't decided yet. But, you know, it didn't really matter because the pandemic happened."

"Yes. And you were locked down here."

"Well, yeah. I'd only been here for like, two months. The city went into lockdown. Classes were off. Nobody knew what they were doing. Then, the semester was canceled."

I can feel the weight of his stare, but I'm not looking at him.

I can't tell him what I want to tell him. I had cancer and my brother died and I married someone I wasn't in love with and it was the worst year of my entire fucking life and I had to go through it while you were having the time of your perfect, shiny life.

So I go with the easiest and the hardest truth: "Tony died, while I was stuck here."

I'm still looking away from him, unable to really look at him as I say that, but I can imagine the way his face falls as he takes a sharp inhale. "Hannah..."

"It was COVID. Um," I pause to sniff—it's the best I can do to hold myself back from bursting into tears. "Kate... she caught it from a patient. She was doing dental residency. Tony took care of her a-and fell ill, too."

I only realize that my hands are shaking when he puts his on top of mine.

"It was very early in the pandemic, so it was chaotic. And she was pregnant, so her chances were poor. She was in a coma for a while. Tony... he p-passed away first."

"I'm so sorry, Hannah." Jonah's voice is paper-thin, I barely heard it.

"Yeah." I pat down his hand—which is now sandwiched between both of mine. "Once I could leave the city, I had to go home and be with my family. Couldn't continue school for a while. After they canceled the semester, I just dropped out."

Not to mention the cancer diagnosis. Marrying Freddie. My depression.

Dad losing our family business. Taking care of Lucy. Mom crying in her room when she thinks I'm not home.

The way everything snowballed in just a short few months. How hard it was for me to keep standing on both feet.

How I almost couldn't.

"Finally returned to school last year, and, just like I initially planned, I'm just trying to graduate as fast as possible. I've put this off long enough. I need to get a job," I finish with a small laugh.

Jonah doesn't return the laugh. Instead, he pulls me into his arms, letting me bury my face in his chest. Without a word, he holds me like that. I can hear the fast thumping of his heart, feel his chest moving with each heavy breath he takes in and lets out.