All is peaceful and right in the world. The birds are singing, flowers are blooming, and on days like this, ki—
Eclipse: FUCK! I'VE BEEN WASHING DISHES IN MY SLEEP AGAIN— WE'RE FUCKING LATE FOR SCHOOL!!
Blake: Eclipse shut the hell up
Eclipse: Yang go grab your sister
Yang: got it
Eclipse, seeing Yang come back carrying Ruby by the leg: NO NOT LIKE THAT
__
Weiss: what's for breakfast
Eclipse: No time for cereal we're doing granola bars- no no time for granola bars—
Weiss: what are you—
Eclipse: FUCK IT! We'll just have to move breakfast at lunch and move lunch to dinner! EVERYONE GRAB A COFFEE 'CAUSE DINNER'S HAPPENING AT THREE IN THE MORNING!!!
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Nora: Jaune's still asleep and won't get up
Ren: I'm not sure it was a wise decision to tell Eclipse that
Eclipse, banging pots and pans together: GET YOUR ASS UP YOU LAZY SON OF A BITCH!! YOU'RE MAKING YOUR OWN FOOD!
Jaune: holy shit- Eclipse!
__
Oscar: Eclipse where'd you put the milk
Eclipse: No you can't have milk on Taco Tuesday
Ruby: why not
Eclipse: because it's not Hispanic now eat your Doritos
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Blake: she doesn't have a favorite
Ruby: she does have a favorite
Yang: and it's me
Ruby: No way! It's obviously me
Ren: it's either Weiss or Oscar
Ruby: Eclipse who's your favorite
Eclipse: No I don't have a favorite one of you but I do have a least favorite. And it's Jaune
Jaune: I KNOW ECLIPSE! I know!
Eclipse: good.
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Eclipse: give me back my phone before you see my contact list!
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Eclipse, on call with Qrow: No it's the baby this time and she's taking one of my good arepas!
Nora: screw you—
Eclipse: Gotcha! Alright crisis averted!
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Eclipse: if you don't like my arepas then you're a dumbass and a liar or worse a vegan
Blake: but—
Eclipse: now you're gonna shut up and eat this like it's ass
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Eclipse: which one of you kids ate my arepas?!
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Eclipse: motherfu— you open this door right now or I'm counting to three
Yang: go ahead and try
Eclipse: 1... 4– you're lucky I haven't slept for more than 2 hours this week
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Eclipse, dragging Nora down the driveway: IT'S NOT A CRIME IF IT'S YOUR KID
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Ren: Eclipse I passed out and they put me in a dino costume!
Eclipse: what?!
Ren: then Yang threw me in a pool!
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Eclipse: mama got you a kitchen and a stroller. So you'll be ready when you give up on your dreams :D
Oscar: Eclipse are you okay?
Eclipse: yes
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Eclipse, holding a kitchen knife: you get the fuck out of my kitchen or I'm telling Weiss about your tiny dick
Neptune: *slowly backs out of the kitchen ✨terrified✨*
__
Eclipse: c'mon make me wanna be your sister!
Yang: *kicks the ball at her*
Eclipse: I'M TELLING BLAKE ABOUT YOUR OBSESSION
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Eclipse: you think you have it bad? My kids are at the age where they're starting to ask questions... about my childhood
__
Eclipse, once again banging pots and pans together: MAMAS COOKING DIN-DIN IN T MINUS FIVE SECONDS!! I WANT EVERYONE OUT OF THIS KITCHEN FOR ONE HOUR!!! GET OUT!!
Ruby: ECLIPSE IT'S ON FIRE
Eclipse: EVACUATE THE KITCHEN!!!
__
Ruby: Eclipse can we go to McDonald's?
Eclipse: I WILL NOT LET YOU RUIN TACO TUESDAY
Ren: Eclipse could we just cal—
Yang: WE JUST WANT MCDONALD'S
Eclipse: it's the one night a week it's fun to be Latina 😭
__
Jaune: Eclipse can you stop singing supermassive black hole
Eclipse: nope you just lost seatbelt privileges motherfucker
__
Eclipse: I SHOULD'VE SLAPPED THE SHIT OUT OF YOU BACK ON THAT DANCE FLOOR
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Eclipse: I like Yang. not a bad lesbian
__
Eclipse, in the car with Militia: you drive gayer than your sister and she's so gay she fucked me
Militia: EXCUSE ME?!
__
Eclipse, dragging Oscar and Ruby to "her" car: c'mon we're going on an arepa drive by!
Oscar, to Ruby: is this normal?
Ruby: when she's too sleep deprived yeah
Eclipse, throwing arepas out the window: happy birthday Ren! No one likes you Neptune! *passes two back to Ruby and Oscar* these are for us!
__
Neptune: *flirts with Weiss*
Eclipse: you just lost toilet paper privileges you son of a bitch! Have fun getting creative.
__
Eclipse: excuse me ma'am have you seen my son?!
Woman: um...
Eclipse: he's about this tall clearly asexual but we haven't had the talk
__
(I will die on this hill.)
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Ruby: I'm just a mistake aren't I?
Eclipse: oh sweetie you're not a mistake. You're a regret. Now pick up this shit
__
Eclipse, leaning out the car window: HONK AT ME ONE MORE TIME!! I WILL GROW A DICK AND FUCK YOU!!!
______
Ok so I wasn't gonna post a crack chapter until after the next actual chapter but like transitions are hard
I promise the next one will be the real chapter 👍🏾
YOU ARE READING
The Grimm Huntress
FanfictionWhile Ozpin fought against Salem, immortal and using other people as his tools, the brother gods watched disgusted. One of them decided to give his powers to a child. A child he was sure would be different than Ozpin even after learning the truth. A...
