bad idea

Chapter 65

Kai's Pov

Later that night, Ariana and I were the only ones up, laying in bed with her in my arms. I was busy looking up at our ceiling, while she had been trying to sleep but hadn't made much progress.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous and hadn't been anxious all day, while I was in my head putting the pieces together. I was trying to enjoy the last bit of normality we had, with us laying together like this because I didn't know what tomorrow would hold—if I'd even get to hold her tomorrow. As much as I didn't want to believe it, I think I knew who the cause of all this had been and it shouldn't have taken me this long to realize it, but I think I just never wanted to believe the answer was right in front of my face...and I said nothing to no one. I just wanted to handle it and I was going to.

"Yeah, I'm not getting any sleep tonight," Ariana mumbled, letting out a sigh.

"I can make you some tea, maybe that would help."

"It's okay, I wanna stay up with you anyway. I know you haven't really slept since yesterday morning—" She paused, sitting her head up for a second before placing it back on my chest, almost as if she was trying to hear something, "Baby, your heart is beating so fast."

"Really?" which I didn't think anyone else could pick up on that, I thought it was just something that was in my head.

Ariana sat up, placing her hand over my heart, "God," she trailed off, causing me to sit up and remove her hand.

"I'm okay," I told her, meeting her eyes, while still holding her hand, "Can we talk?" I noticed the shift in her face like she was expecting the worse from me.

"You're not..?"

"No, no, it's something else."

"Okay," She frowned shifting in her spot.

"Remember when Kehlani and Mac died, how we were there and we just...none of us knew that would never be our last time seeing each other again. Like if we knew that it would be our last time seeing them, we would've chosen our last words to be different...I wouldn't have let her go that day and I know you would've held onto him tighter and—"

"Kai, what are you saying?"

"I don't want to let you go without ever telling you how I feel."

"What do you mean, let me go?" She frowned, searching my eyes for answers, "Baby, what's going on?"

"Nothing, it's just you never know when it'll be your last time seeing someone, so I just wanted to let you know in case I never get a chance to."

"Kai..."

"Seriously, Ariana," I said, feeling my eyes start to water, my anxiety only starting to peak, "I never thought anyone in this world could make me feel anything again and it fucking sucked, but what you do to me—how you make me feel is so much more than just a feeling, Ariana. Like you give me hope, that maybe I don't have to face my life alone every day, that I don't have to feel alone with anything because you're there. I know even if we're angry at each other or sad or even just at the top of the world, every night when the day slows down, it's just me and you, and you'll always be by my side. Even if it's just for a couple of hours and we're asleep, I have you here next to me and I can breathe, I can feel safe, and nothing else matters. There isn't a thing in this world I wouldn't do for you and you know that. But you are so much more to me than my girlfriend, I see you and I see my future wife, the mother of my kids, but I also see the Ariana I was just a door away from...the one who would come inside of my room and just listen to me play the piano, the one who I would see, asleep in my bed when I'm coming home from school, although her room is right next door," I paused, watching as she laughed although tears were streaming down her cheeks, "Ariana, I love you and I can't picture living life without you, so that's why I do everything I can to make sure you're safe and I always will."