A Court of Shadows and Lies / ACOTAR FF

Chapter 86

I stared at the younger version of myself as she stood frozen in the makeshift portion of Spring Court. There were farmlands to the left and right of her, nearly ready for the harvest, as she stood on a cobbled pathway that was regularly in use by the locals. This specific day, I remembered well.

I had spent years on a world that was doomed from the start. A horrid plague had enraptured the ground the Beings walked, with a male who had the capacity to jump through portals with no issues. He had brought back weapons to the young, developing, inexperienced plane, deepening the plague and the inequality that consumed the lands. My sisters and I had killed the male with no issues.

What had drained me was trying to pump their already dying sun with energy. When that didn't work, I had tried to replicate the star with little success. That was when Mother had arrived, disappointed in her daughters, disappointed particularly in me, that we had been selfish, naïve, to think we could save a world that was doomed from the start.

I stood atop a hill, listening to the cries and begs of the Beings, as Mother consumed the world.

At this point I was already spent, my magic running on fumes. The cries of the Beings weighing heavily on my chest, witnessing the dying world that once had promise, become nothing but a speck, a forgotten remnant except to those who watched Mother reclaim it back. When I returned home, all I wanted to do was sleep, but my mum decided it was the perfect opportunity for a lesson.

"You are this world's, and every other worlds' protectors, but you cannot stop what is meant to be. All eight of you are spent, tired, worn out, because you decided their lives were more important than your duty to all the other planes. Jezreel, you know how using your magic that way is irresponsible and dangerous. What would have happened if you let your emotions get the best of you? What would have happened if The Middle happened again? You should have listened to Sif and Oriana as soon as they realised nothing could be done."

Needless to say, that wasn't the most uplifted or positive I had felt in a long time. In fact, it made me feel worse, like a failure. Not only had I ignored my duty to the other planes, but I had abused my powers, attempted to play God when I was nothing but a Goddess' daughter. A fraction of the power she had. A fraction of the Being.

A fraction. A part of her. A sliver of the female who had taken matters into her own hands. A Goddess. The Mother.

A Being I could never be.

Nor was I ever going to be as perfect as her two oldest daughters.

Instead of letting the thoughts fester in bed, I had left home momentarily and decided to return to Prythian for the first time in a few thousand years. It had grown, the fae and humans living somewhat separately, with bastard child running amok blasting each other with magic. Many of them bowed at my presence, a coolness in the air that the Mother's Daughter had returned to their lands, some had no idea who I was, no one disregarded my presence.

Except Philippe.

A simple human male farmer who had called out to me that sunny day in Spring Court.

Which was why it was difficult to look at the beaten, saddened, female who was stood in front of me.

She was sad, lonely, and wanted nothing more than to fade into the crowd.

"I told you," Sif said through gritted teeth, "that the series of events should be kept to Jez, and for her to give us permission to do this."

I stole a gaze at Azriel who was watching me steadily, his shadows taut around him. It was difficult to read him in this moment. I reached out through the connection, to see if he would let me in, but a steel wall was in place. It wasn't thick, and easy to penetrate, but one that I understood to mean that I should leave him alone.