Purposefully Accidental

Chapter Seventeen

Can't Help Falling in Love plays as Kate walks down the aisle. My brother, standing at the arch, is already crying. Tears are streaming down his smiling face, his eyes never leaving his beautiful bride.

My heart is so full, and I wipe my own tears as I listen to the vows they exchange, as they finally kiss under the wedding arch and embrace each other.

My brother and his newly wedded wife finally part as the crowd cheers. For the first time since he walked out, he finally sees me and gives me a big grin, which I return despite the tears in my eyes.

I squeeze that hand that I'm holding, feeling him squeeze back. Jonah took my hand earlier as we both watched Kate walk alongside her dad. I find it hard to let go of it. Despite everything, I've really missed his warmth.

He trails behind me as I part through the crowd, talking to my aunts and uncles and hugging my cousins. Even though I'm not looking at him, I can still feel the weight of his eyes behind me. I'm trying to prolong the inevitable as much as possible, steeling myself for whatever's coming. I'm not ready yet.

I don't know what it means now that he's here. I don't even want to begin to think about it.

He stands next to me as I watch Tony and Kate's first dance. As Kate throws her bouquet, and her cousin catches it. As I pick up a glass of sparkling apple juice, tasting ash on my tongue with every sip. As I thank the guests for coming, watching the last invited guest leave the premises.

I catch Freddie's eyes across the room, as he chats with Cole. Probably over some Avengers shit, judging by the bright look in my little brother's eyes. My friend looks up and nods at me, then gives me a thumbs up. I swear I see him mouth good luck to me. That's when I finally turn around to meet Jonah's hopeful eyes.

I gulp, possibly audibly. But still, I say, "Let's talk."

I lead him away from where people are bustling about with clean-up. There's a secluded corner in the vast backyard, close enough to the place but away from all the noise, under a big, old tree decorated with colorful Christmas lights.

The sky is already darkening a little, and the wind blows past me, making the ruffles of my dress flutter. Wordlessly, Jonah takes his coat off and carefully drapes it over my shoulders. I don't say anything, although I shiver when his fingers graze the exposed skin of my neck, and I know he can feel it too.

Jonah starts, "Hannah, I—"

I cut him off. "No. Let me talk first. Please." I need to let this out. Before he can change my mind. Before whatever he's going to say to me wrecks me. I soften my tone when I repeat, "Please."

He nods at me obligingly. "Okay."

I take a shaky breath. I don't really know what to say—until I finally say it: "Jonah. You broke my fucking heart."

His lips twitch downwards in dismay, but he lets me speak.

I move forward, "You devastated me. Last year, when you basically told me to go fuck myself. When you gave up on me and let me walk away without even fighting for us. And you broke my heart again, when you came back into my life just to leave again.

"I was too scared to tell you this two months ago, but I love you, Jonah. I still love you. I don't think I ever stopped. And I don't think I ever will, because here I am standing in front of you and my heart is still bursting with so much love, even though you've broken it twice. I'm looking at you and I still want to have you. I still want you back."

I close my eyes and feel tears run down my cheeks.

"But I don't... I can't let you break my heart over and over again. I can't do that to myself, no matter how much I love you. And I don't know what you want from me. I saw you again after a year, and I fooled myself into thinking that we could reconnect. I told myself I'd be fine if you just want us to be friends, but you can't even give me that. You just disappeared again. You didn't even give me a chance to fight for us.