Purposefully Accidental

Chapter Fifteen

The way Freddie's chest slowly moves up and down as he breathes calms me down a little. He makes me feel safe and steady. It makes it easier to keep talking.

"Though, I guess sometimes it's really not that irrational. It's just... after the accident happened, my brother left me. I woke up from my coma to see him gone, and I spent the next few years thinking that he was angry at me because I was the one driving and I got him hurt and that's why he left me. It turned out that wasn't the reason, but I still... I'm still scared. That it will happen again to me.

"Then he came into my life and I'd never put so much trust and love in one person until then. And then he... left me too. I mean, I was the one who did the whole breaking up speech, but... He walked away—or, I guess, he let me walk away. It wasn't easy for me... dealing with that. It was almost as bad as when my brother left. But I dealt with it anyway.

"When he came back, it felt like a dream. In some way, I think it really was. It was too good to be true, but I wanted to believe it. That he could be, once again, back in my life. That I could have him again. But then he's just... he's gone again. Never even told me why. I don't really think I wanna know why, anyway. I mean, I can't... I don't think I can deal with it the second time."

I feel Freddie's arms wrap a little tighter around me.

I laugh self-deprecatingly. "And it's such a stupid thing to get worked up over... I mean, there are people out there dealing with real messed up shit and I'm here crying over an ex-boyfriend who had second thoughts about me and left me once again. It's stupid. But it's... it's a fear I haven't been able to shake off, and it's put a gray cloud above my head that I can't escape and I'm just... I'm trying to deal with it. I really am. I don't wanna be miserable around you guys."

"It's not stupid, Hannah," Freddie says softly, just above my head. "You know what's stupid? There's this rich boy who cried all night into his pillows because his parents bought him a new fancy car instead of coming to his graduation. So, he rebelled and enrolled into some unknown university to study to become a fucking school teacher as a joke instead of studying business in his dad's alma mater like everyone expected him to, just to piss off the whole family."

That draws a little laugh out of me. "That poor rich boy."

"The poorest," he drawls. "Well, at least he got to meet this cool chick and came to learn how amazing she is."

"If you're gonna throw another flirty quip at me I swear to god I will kick you out..."

He laughs. "No, no. I mean, she's amazing. Probably one of the best people he knows in the world. She brings him breakfast every day, even though sometimes it's a little burnt or overseasoned—" He laughs when I slightly elbow him in the ribs, "—and she also lets him cheats off her on an exam he didn't study for because he spent all night long on the phone getting yelled at by his disappointed dad... really, I could go on. One of the strongest people he knows, too, though she doesn't believe it. Still, I should mention that she is one hell of a kisser."

This time, I smack him on the arm.

"Ow! She's pretty fucking violent though."

"Only when you're being an idiot."

We watch as Mark Ruffalo turns into a giant angry Shrek on the screen before punching a flying alien whale in the face. I'm slumping more and more into Freddie, already getting sleepy.

He speaks up then, softly. "No trauma is trivial, Hannah, and your issues are rooted deep, beyond ex-boyfriend problems. It doesn't make you stupid or weak. I understand why you'd feel that way, with all that's happened to you in the past." He lets me pull away from him so I can look at him. "If there's anything I—we—can do to make you feel better, please speak up. But first, I should thank you for letting us in your life. I know it couldn't have been easy."