ROCKSTAR LIFESTYLE {COMPLETED}

16

MY SANITY

Beyoncé
LA
September 7th

"You don't wanna talk anymore? Suddenly?" Draya scooted closer to me and I attempted to scoot away, but I was at the end of the couch.

She had two minutes, at most, before Chris got back to get at her, and she was taking full advantage. Honestly, this was probably her best bet. I hadn't been answering her text messages, her calls, her DMs, or her little notes that she sent through the family.

The girl was desperate enough to send a bird through Solana who wouldn't have even said anything if Robyn hadn't forced it out of her. She knew which baby mama to speak to and which one to leave alone. But those two ran back to Onika like she was their pimp or something. She knew everything that was happening over here in LA, especially the shit I didn't want her to know.

I couldn't hide from her so I knew damn well Draya couldn't. She better leave me alone.

"What did I do? First you shut me out virtually and now you won't even speak to me. What did I do baby?"

Draya didn't do a thing but be herself. I would tell her unfortunately I wasn't trying to see anyone right now, but it wasn't unfortunate. By the day, by the person, by the conversation, I was becoming... myself. Less selfish, more dependent, more responsible. I was prioritizing my family, my finances, and leaving no room for error.

I was trying to become a person worthy of the feeling Onika gave me when I stood next to her but damn. The shit was taking forever and forcing me to deny the pleasures that I wanted so bad.

I had to separate myself, but this shit was not easy.

"You really won't talk to me?" She used her voice to try to get to me, but I couldn't deny my body. I wasn't standing for her like I usually would. I wasn't turned on the way I usually would be. I wasn't feeling Draya, not after playing Onika's game. Didn't seem worth it after finally getting through to that mean midget. It was too easy.

"Beyonce are you serious?"

The door opened and in came Chris, wiping his hands on his pants just like my sons behind him. King and Symere ran out from behind him and Draya moved away so they could climb into my lap.

Draya stood up and went to meet Chris at the door, her hands on his waist. I wanted to talk to him, tell him what Onika had said and that she was still pushing up, but I knew his feelings for her would blind him from hearing anything I had to say. It would be pointless. I just didn't want to lose my brother.

"Hey Mama," Symere scooted up on my lap and twirled my hair around his finger.

King copied his little brother and I kissed them both.

"How y'all doing? Y'all having fun?"

"We were pressing buttons on the board over there with Ken."

"She let you hear her music?"

"Some of it."

Ken and I knew the lines in which we stopped letting our children hear our music. Hers was a bit more explicit than mine, but as artists, we knew to hold off while still engaging our children in the activities our kids saw us enjoy.

My boys especially wanted to be included in my music. They wanted to be on the stage, in the studio, on the track. I let them, to a certain extent.

"Where's Ken?" I asked them.

King shrugged his shoulders, "We wanna be in here with you Mama."

"That's okay."

I was seeing what Onika was saying before I left her. I thought my boys didn't love me because I hadn't been in their presence, but they loved me regardless. They wanted me to be here. They loved me anyway, and there was nothing like the love I got from my sons. Spending time with them had showed me that. Our connection was becoming inseparable. I wanted them with me all the time. They were so funny, and they were just like me. They were extensions of me.

"Y'all coming home with me tonight?"

The both of them nodded fast.

"Y'all ask your mothers?"

They sighed, "Mama..."

"Chris hand me your phone."

In the middle of his conversation with Draya, Chris walked over and handed me his phone. I gave Symere his phone and King mine.

"Call your mothers and ask."

I knew they would say yes, but it was a matter of making sure the boys listened to them and not just me. To respect them, and not just me. I was teaching them while I learned too.

As they called their mothers, I called Onika for the seventh time today. She wasn't answering purposely, but that didn't mean I was stopping. She liked it when I chased her anyway.

"Stop calling my phone Beyonce."

"You answered the phone to say that to me?"

"Lucky seven. What do you want?"

"Baby I miss you."

"I'm busy Bey."

"No you're not. How you doing? How's our baby? Any cravings?"

She giggled that cute little laugh she had, and I could see her smile in my mind, and I was smiling too.

"The baby is on my bladder and I have to pee."

"Go pee."

"I'll wait until we get off the phone."

"Go pee," I tried m best to soften up and make her feel comfortable. She was going to have my baby soon, her peeing was nothing.

While she was on the toilet, I told her again, "I miss you."

"Do you?"

"Stop acting like that. Tell me you miss me too. You know you miss me."

She was laughing again, "I miss you too Beyonce."

"I wish I could kiss your pretty face and rub that belly."

"Stop. You've got things to handle. How's your conversation with your father coming along?"

"I don't wanna talk about that."

"If you wanna keep talking, that's what we're talking about."

I sucked my teeth, "I texted him."

"Call him. Meet him."

"That's asking for a lot."

"Don't fight me. You want him at the birth, you call him, you meet him, and you apologize."

"What? He needs to be apologizing to me."

"You need to be apologizing to each other, but this is the olive branch. Extend it. Don't be so prideful."

"I miss you."

"Beyonce."

"I hear you, but I miss you."

"Tell me you're listening."

"I'm listening."

"And you will have that conversation?"

"I will."

"Good. How are those sweet babies?"

"They're good."

"Beyonce?"

"Yes baby?"

"Control yourself. I can hear you."

"I'm trying."

"You're doing so good baby. I'm proud of you, even if you don't feel like it sometimes."

"I wanna come home."

She laughed, "You don't live here sweetie."

"You know what I mean."

"Mhm hmm," She hummed, "If you keep doing this good, you'll get rewarded when I see you."

"Really?"

"Yes, and no more condoms."

"Really?"

"After you get tested."

"Are you being serious right now?"

"Bye. Be good."

"Love you Mama."