Smile

60

She paused as my ringtone filled the air. The tightening in my stomach reaching its peak and my side almost feeling as if it was beginning to cramp up.

I removed one of my arms from her waist as I reached across the bed for my phone.

My eyes widened as the words, Evan (Lee' Son), flashed across my screen.

I pushed backward and gently slid Moon from my lap before sliding from the bed. My thumb hovered over the answer button as I jogged out into the hallway. The gnawing has turned into shaking and it has developed over my entire body.

I don't know what's wrong—it's probably nothing—but I can't stop shaking.

"Hello?" My voice rattled as I answered.

"...Kai?"

I don't know how this happened.

...

I panted as I raced down the hallway. I don't panic. I don't ever panic. Why would I? I don't care enough about anybody to panic.

No, I didn't used to...I care now. Why did I have to care now?

My eyes burned as my body remained numb. I felt like I wasn't even real. Like the tiny particles that floated through the hospitals air were little pieces of nothing trying to distract me from believing this is real. The pounding in my chest is real, the wind under my feet is real, the tears that sting the back of my eyes are one hundred fucking perfect real.

My eyes glanced across the number plates of each of the rooms. My mind racing as it replayed the numbers '512' over and over until I was nauseous just thinking about it—until I could hear it.

My feet skidded across the tiles as I saw the numbers almost flash by me. The blinds next to the blue door were closed and the narrow window on the front covered with what looked like plastic.

My hand shook as I opened the door, my mind not moving fast enough to register what I was seeing.

"Why—are...is she ok?" I panted, my eyes struggling to realize that I was staring at my answered.

"Hey Kai." Evan sniffled as he stood from the chair next to the bed, his large frame blocking my view of anything behind him—of Gillian. "I'm glad you could make it. I didn't mean to—"

"Answer my fucking question, Evan or get out of the way."

His bloodshot eyes softened as he held a painful smile on his face. His is usually cheerful eyes already holding more grief than I could even try to understand. He nodded as he stepped to the side, his finger stuffing down into his front jean pockets.

My eyes burned as I finally saw the pale woman lying underneath the sickly white sheet. Her annoyingly happy eyes—the same ones she passed onto her son—closed off. Her usually long nails cut short and her long graying hair scattered underneath a colorful scarf.

When I met Gillian, I thought that there was nothing that could make this overly excited and overly optimistic woman frown. Despite each of her carefully crafted wrinkles and deeply impresiones smile lines, I never even thought that they could be from anything other than smiling.

She was scatter brained and too peppy for my sixteen-year-old brain but she was determined to make sure I did everything Lucy knew I could do. She was my new Lucy. She was everything to me even If I didn't care enough to show it.

My head snapped toward Evan, anger boiling through every inch of my body. "What the fuck happened?! Weren't you supposed to take care of her?!"

Evans face twisted as I approached him, his lips parting as he struggling to speak. He reached his hands out in front of him, "hey—I—"

He stumbled back as I shoved him. "You're her son! Why is she in here if you are supposed to take care of her!?" My voice echoed through the room as I stood strongly in front of Evan, his eyes shaking with confusion as his tears dried against his cheeks.

"You—"

"Kai..."

We both froze. Our eyes focusing on the weak yet familiar voice behind me.

"Stop...yelling. It's not good for your mind." Her voice was small. So small it could hardly be heard over the beeping over the monitors.

We both approached the fragile woman, our bodies weakening the closer we got. "Lee?" I mumbled as I knelt down beside her.

She grabbed my hand in hers, her eyelids too heavy to reveal her loving gaze. "Don't be mad, Kai...you'll be ok."

My face softened as I struggled to keep my eyes open. "But I am mad, Lee...you were supposed to get better."

"I am."

"Then why—"

"You just won't be able to see it." She spoke weakly as she smiled. Her beautifully animated smile lines fading into her pale skin. "...you did everything you wanted. I did my job. I'm done now."

My eyes stung as my vision blurred, my throat tingling as I pressed my lips together. "That doesn't mean you have to fucking die! Go to an island or something, adopt a cat and buy a cottage!...don't leave yet." My head fell down next to her, my whole body struggling to stay upright.

I wanted this to be a nightmare. One where I would wake up and Moonie would be in my arms, her big eyes staring up at me and her soft, half-sleep voice would ask me if I was ok.

"You'll be ok...I've never lied to you."

I squeezed her hand in mine, my heart shattering throughout my chest as I felt her barely squeeze back. I felt like I was on fire. Every inch of my skin felt like it was being popped with hot oil, the pain ingraining so deep that my bones could feel it.

"You said you'd—" I stuttered, my words trapped behind my tears.

"I've never lied to you, Kai...I'll always be here for you. You are as much as my son as Evan...don't forget it."

She died three hours later and I didn't leave her side once.

I stepped out of the room in front of Evan. Both of our eyes a different shade of red.

I knelt down against the wall, Evan standing stiffly beside me.

"You know...Kai..." he started, my eyes remaining forward. "I've never fucking liked you."

I chuckled, my head tilting back and hitting against the wall behind me.

"And I know you know that. But it's not because you're Asian or because you're a rich douchebag..." he paused, his feet sliding against the ground as he slid down the wall next to me. "It's because my mom, even until the end, loved you more than she ever loved me."

My eyes lowered as I turned to look at him. Despite his deeply red and veined eyes, his expression was calm and almost peaceful.

"She loved you, not like a son, but because to her, you were her son. You were her pride and joy," he turned to me, his eyes smiling though his mouth hadn't moved, "even if you hadn't made it as an artist, she would've died believing you were as great as it was going to get. In her eyes, nothing could top her Kai....not even me."

***

This is so super unedited and it's 4AM so I pray it's not horrible.