Smile

15

August 21st

I stared up at the dark ceiling , my heart racing in my chest and my body frozen. The silence of my house combined with the racing in my ears and the light pattering of the rain outside made my entire body feel hollow.

I strained myself to at least move my fingers, my heartbeat only speeding up. I couldn't even control my breathing.

Fuck, Kai. Get it together.

My body felt as if I was about to drop through mid air like free falling after sky-diving. Terror and an airy panic was all I could feel. It was choking and ran through every inch of my body. This feeling soaked into my bones and chilled everything inside of me.

My neck constricted as I tried to choke the feeling out but my body still not feeling like mine.

Come on, Kai. It's almost over. Man the fuck up.

My chest caved in and bounced back out as the feeling intensified but my fingers began thumping against my bare thigh.

Then I heard her voice. The tapping that I thought was rain, was her at the door. "Kai?" She spoke softly, her tired voice muffled by the door. "Are you ok?..are you awake?"

I'm coming Moonie. I'm coming.

I held my breath and squeezed my eyes shut, the thumping against my thigh intensifying the same way my heart did.

"...Kai?"

Just before I felt like passing out, just as my head began throbbing my heart became the only thing I could hear, my body became mine again. I jumped up, almost falling to the ground as I leapt toward the door.

Her eyes widened as I swung the door open. Her hair pushing back from the breeze. "Did I wake you up?" She spoke timidly. "I just heard thumping and it sounded like you were heaving so I came...to check on you." She tilted her head to the side slightly, the hem of my shirt she was wearing between her fingers.

"No. No. It's ok—I'm ok. I was just..." I took a real breath, the first one since I got myself together, "I was just having a nightmare." I smiled, a breath escaping through my lips. "I'm sorry I woke you."

She stepped back slightly, the sound of her bare feet against the wood almost soothing. "No, you didn't wake me. I'm glad you're ok." She gave me a small smile as she twisted around on the ball of her foot.

"Well...goodnight, Kai." She began back down the hallway and a feeling of emptiness and guilt flooded my body.

"Moonie!..." I startled her. She froze in her steps, her head tilted down as she waited for me to continue my sentence. I could almost hear the anticipation of her heartbeat. Or maybe that's mine because I have no fucking clue why I stopped her.