Smile

58

I love her. "I love you." And i love her because she's so much different than me but she shows me who I am to her and I only ever want to be the person she thinks I am. "And you're right," being a good person to her means not letting this happen again. "Something is wrong.."

I brushed my hand across her cheek as I admired her features as if it was the last time I would be able to.

"Kai?" She sat down gently on my stomach, her thumbs pressed firmly into my cheeks. "You can tell me."

She held a look of soft content in her eyes, her hands even softer against my cheeks. "I know..." I brushed her hair behind her ear, my thumb grazing across it as it glided down her jawline.

I reached up and pressed my lips gently into hers. The soft feeling of her warm lips, soothing my anxiety if even just for a moment. I pecked her lips as I pulled away and I stared into her calmed eyes.

"...Are you sure you want to know? I don't want you to—"

"I told you I want to love everything about you, Kai. Your past, present, and your future...so tell me."

I nodded as I pecked her lips one more time.

I let out a deep sigh as I placed my hands on her waist, "Ok."

...

She cried after I told her everything. Admittedly, I did too. I try my best to never cry but I can't seem to hold it in when it comes to Celestia, and I think hearing the story—the whole story—out loud, made it harder to hold in.

I do feel calmer tho. I don't feel so heavy and like I'm carrying around this...bag of grief on my shoulders. My heart feels fuller, like I have more space to hold more of Celestia.

I shifted behind her slightly as I sat up on my elbow, her body sliding back to be closer to me. I leaned over her ear as my bottom lip grazed over the outline of her ear. "I love you." I whispered, "I love you, Moonie." I reassured.

She hummed as I watched the corners of her lips slide up into a sweet and sleepy smile. "Say it again." She mumbled.

I chuckled softly as I kissed her ear. "I love you." I compiled and whispered the words one more time.

She turned in my arms, revealing her swollen eyes and softened smile. "I love you, Kai." Her fingers pressed into my stomach as she stared up at me.

"Thank you for listening. I really...really needed to tell somebody that."

"Thank you for telling me..I'm always willing to listen to you, Kai."

Her hand glided from my stomach to around my back as she pulled my body closer to hers, her ear now pressed to my chest. "That was a lot to hold on to by yourself. I don't think I could've done it."

"You already have, Moon. You still are."

She hummed softly, her nails scratching gently across my back. "Well you know everything really, you've seen the bigger stuff so—"

"You aren't ok, Moon. That's why you wanted me to tell you about me so badly. You already knew how I felt."

Her body stilled for a moment, her chest not even moving to take a breath. "I am ok...I haven't experienced anything as bad as you have.."

"Your mom hurt you, Moon. Emotionally and physically for years with nobody to help you. My dad beat me up but I didn't love him enough for it to hurt me emotionally. We aren't that much different, Moonie."

The pads of her fingers pressed into my skin before she lifted her ear from my chest. "Ok. I'm not ok," she looked up at me with her big brown eyes, her lashes forcing her eyes to be bigger than they usually are. "I...was really scared, Kai." She chuckled as her eyes fluttered shut and an unexpected smile brushed across her lips. "I don't like being scared. It's embarrassing and degrading and makes me feel weak...and lately I've been scared a lot. I wasn't scared when I lived with my mom,"

My heart slowed as she opened her eyes, her look now much less determined but now softer and I could tell she was only seeing me. "But I'm always scared now that I'm with you. I'm terrified everyday about things that never crossed my mind before but I'm so happy, Kai. I'm so scared of losing you and going back to being so...emotionless that I couldn't even be afraid. I was scared that Jax was going to take that away from me—take you away from me. So I lied and I know that made things worse but I'm happy that it's done and over with."

She flipped over onto my stomach, my hands holding her waist gently. "When I tell you 'i love you' I mean it in such a violently amazing way that I couldn't say it to anybody else. You've done so much for me and I know a lot of scary stuff has happened since we have been together but Im glad it at least happened while we were together...I don't think I could've handled a lot of this stuff—or even survived—without you."

Too many fucked up situations have happened since we have been together. I blame myself for all of them, but after hearing her admit that they were terrible and the did effect her, but that she couldn't have made it through them without me, I think I can blame myself a little less.

She smiled down at me, her eyes spilling the sweetest honey into mine, "Thank you for existing and thank you for listening to me." She spoke softly before pressing her lips into mine, her hands cupping my face firmly.

I think we will be ok.