Giving in... Or giving up...

Chapter 66

I am waddling around smiling... Everyone had just left, and the house was quiet... Mom had come by helping me together with the others to clean and decorate... It was a surprise her showing up here... Rose and Dotty had arranged it... I had cried my eyes out when i saw her stepping out of the car with Rose and Dotty... She had stayed for 3 days before she had to leave again... Rose was driving her back to the airport as she didn't want me to do it... I loved that she made time for me... She might not always have been the most conventional mom, but she did love me and did her best and she was so excited to become a grandma... Although she was sad i no longer lived in New York she understood that i had fallen in love with Violethill... And maybe now that i was becoming a mom myself i understood her better... She was younger when she had me... She was just 20 years old and i thing i was an oopsy to... But she raised me the best she could... And i think i turned out okay...

But my smile quickly disappeared as it was now quiet... It was so quiet and there was nothing to do anymore, and the only thing to do was think... I decide to take a shower and let the hot water run over me... I sigh as a thousand thoughts come flooding in... All the doubts, guilt and hurt... I try to push it down but i doesn't work... I sigh and turn off the shower and dry myself off and put on something comfortable... 

I make myself something to eat and to drink and sat down on the couch... I look at my phone Chris his number in my screen wondering what to do... I put it away a few times only to take it in my hand again... I look through the photos we had taken together in happier times... The smile on my face is one i now only have when i think about my baby girl... 

I sigh and feel the tears run down my cheeks... Why do i still long for him... Is it because i am carrying his baby... Is it the hormones?  I sigh and press the button and the phone rings... "Neve?" i hear and due to the shock of him picking up so fast i hang up... My phone rings and i look at it frozen... What am i doing... It stops but immediately rings again and i know that i have to pick up... He probably thinks something is wrong with the baby... So, i have to pick up... The phone stops ringing and immediately it starts again... 

"Hi..." I say picking up my voice soft and vulnerable and i cant help it i start to cry... "Neve... Are you okay... Is the baby okay...?" Chris asks panic in his voice and i start to cry again... "Yeah we are fine... The baby is fine..." I say between my tears... "Love... Talk to me..." He whispers as i am just crying... 

"Was i not good enough..." I ask him while sobbing as tears stream down my face unable to stop it anymore... I hear him sigh... "Neve no... I am not good enough i fucked up..." He whispers and i cry even harder... "Why... Why did you throw everything away..." I say sobbing still unable to stop... "I let you in... I loved you with everything i had... Why... Why... I need to know why... I need to know what i did to deserve this... You owe me... You owe us... Why did you throw it away... Why... Why... Why..." I say now completely hysterical... 

"Neve... Love... Breathe... Please breathe..." Chris says and i can hear he is crying to... "Love are you alone... You need to call someone..." He says... "I did! I called you..." I say and he sighs... "Love... Please calm down... Please breathe... Think about the baby... Our perfect little girl..." He says and i can't take it anymore i hang up and throw the phone away and just sob and cry as all the emotions come out now that i have time to process... Really process.... 

After crying for a while i pick up my phone again and to my horror i hadn't hung up and neither had he as i can hear him in the background... I terminate the call and sigh scolding myself for being so stupid to call him... But the tears come again and i push myself up getting angrier because if he had been here, he could have helped me up... Instead, i am doing everything alone... I know i have help but not the help i would have had if he had been here... I let out a scream and throw my phone across the room... I dont bother picking it up and i just walk to the bedroom... 

I crawl under the blankets and position the pillows in a way that i am comfortable... But i cant quiet my mind... I need to pee and i groan getting out of bed again absolutely frustrated right now... I pee and get back in bed... Doing the whole ritual with the pillows again... I sigh as i close my eyes... But i can't sleep... My mind is full and chaotic... All sorts of feeling running through my head... I keep rubbing my belly as my girl seems to pick up my frustration and starts kicking and this calms me down a little... Knowing i need to do that for her... 

I finally fall asleep and i dont know how long i have been sleeping when i hear the doorbell... It is still dark out and i dont expect anyone... I grab the tablet and make my way out of the bed... I see a figure on the camera and my heart drops... "How...?" I mumble... This is not possible... I walk to the front door in a daze... I dont even hesitate and open the door...