Smile

39

As much as I want to...as much as I want to mirror Moonies broken expression and break down into nothing, this isn't about me. If I cry, I won't be able to see her—I won't be able to see everything she is trying to tell me with more than her words.

Her thumbs grazed over my lips as my body remained frozen in front of her. "I wish I had died in your arms. I would've been so much happier...dying with you." Her words came out so softly they sounded more like wishful thoughts than words that were meant to be spoken.

What do I do?

...

October 10th

I brought her home earlier this morning and she hasn't said a word to me nor have I asked her to. I don't know where she's at but after yesterday, I have an idea and I don't know how I can get her out.

She's been having nightmares and she wakes up, even after only ten minutes of being asleep, screaming bloody murder. She didn't do this in the hospital, it only started when she tried to sleep after we got home and I've been trying not to worry but how can I not?

She has to talk to a therapist for the next month, almost like a prescription, twice a week. I know it doesn't mean that she'll be ok again but I'm praying that she can at least get a glimpse at the light at the end of the tunnel.

She's been asleep without any screaming for about forty-five minutes and I'm too terrified of not being there when she wakes up to go to sleep my damn self.

"Kai!"

I jumped as loud knocking rang throughout my living room. "Open the door!"

I jogged toward the door, opening it to see the fuming brunette woman standing outside of it. Her blue eyes had tsunamis swimming inside of them, her cheeks redder than an apple, and her chest bouncing like she just ran a marathon.

"Why didn't you tell me something was wrong? Huh?! She's my frien-"

"Lower your fucking voice, Rose." I stepped toward her, her movements opposing mine as she stepped back. "If you wake her up or scare her, I'm going to—"

"Kai, calm down." I looked up to see Jax leaning against the pillars outside of my house.

"Fuck off, both of you." I begun to turn to go back inside as she grabbed my arm tightly, her nails digging into my forearm so deep I could already feel blood being drawn from my arm.

"You cannot walk away. You didn't tell me she was hurt! She's my best friend! You—" she panted as she searched for words, my eyes glancing between her and Jax who had leaned off of the pillar and was standing on guard behind Rose.

"I don't care who you are to Celestia. Unless you are Celestia, you better get your hand off me."

"Rose... let him go."

She looked down at her hand clawed into my arm, shock flooding her face as her blushed cheeks turned white when she saw the blood flooding underneath her nails.

"I'm sorry, I didn't-"

"Don't ever come to my house yelling in my face claiming that I have to tell you shit. The only person who needs to know anything about Celestia is Celestia. Everybody else, including me, does not fucking matter. Fuck off Rose and don't come back until she tells you to." I glanced at the both of them, hoping that, for their sake, they listen.

I wouldn't hit a woman. I wouldn't lay a hand on one, but right now, no matter who you claim to be to my Moonie, you aren't going to threaten me or my ability to protect her. Not anymore.

I slammed the door behind me, my blood slowly trickling down onto the floor in tiny splats. I held my forearm with my hand, the spacing between the nail marks close enough for me to cover the entire area with my hand. I walked into the kitchen, the blood still sliding down my arm and creating a spaced out trail behind me.

"Fuck." I mumbled as I reached up for the first aid kit hidden behind the carefully placed jar of cookies inside of the pantry. I tossed it onto the ground where it split open and I knelt down next to it. I tried to get everything I needed out without getting blood everywhere but she dug pretty deep and my hand is covered.

"Kai?" I jumped as I heard her feet against the floor as she approached the pantry. "What's this stuff on the floor?"

She appeared in front of the door, her head still turned away and toward the trail. "It's nothing, fuck... I cut myself. How'd you get down here, Moon?"

"I walked." She tilted her head slightly as she stepped down into the pantry. "Are you ok?" Her voice was hoarse and almost didn't even sound like her. Between the crying, her being choked, and the screaming after her nightmares, her vocal chords are done for.

I was surprised that she was one, talking to me, two that she seemed ok.

"Uh yea...are you ok? You sleep fine?"

She nodded, her lips parting slightly as if she was going to speak but lost her words. "I'm sorry, for what I said—"

"Don't apologize for that. Ever." I interrupted. "I don't care what you say to me. I'd rather you tell me how you feel than not so...please, don't apologize."

I looked down, admittedly avoiding her eyes because I all of a sudden couldn't stand to look at them. I meant what I said, but I can't stop thinking about how different they look and how they looked back then when she was telling me all that stuff.

I glanced back up at her, my lips stretched into as much of a smile I could manage. "I'm just...glad you're here."

I am. Im so glad she's here. I'm even happier she's alive, even if she didn't want to be. I know it's selfish and I know this isn't about me but...I don't know what I'd do if she wasn't.

And I'm too scared to think about it.