Smile

26

"We are the same, Kai. We both love sex. It's what we know how to do." His tone softened as he placed his hands on my shoulders, a chuckle escaping his lips. "You and my sister share whatever the fuck emotional problem you have and we share the same interests. Nothing has changed and nothing will change." He nodded, his smile making my blood boil.

He's always right. He's an asshole and I hate him but he's my best friend. But I have Moonie.

"A lot has fucking changed."

We walked back in silence. I didn't have anything to say to him. I don't know if I was being a dick or not but I'm not sure I care either. I know I have a terrible range of emotions and an even worse ability to express them but I'm different now. I don't need sex anymore. I don't need anybody to make me feel good or to help me forget.

I'm ok now.

"Hey." I glanced back at Kai as I stepped through the door and he followed.

"What." I mumbled, wiping my face with the bottom of my shirt.

"I'm sorry. I was being a dick."

"Yea, you were." He followed me as I stepped into the kitchen. "But that's why we are friends."

"Two penises in a pod."

I laughed as I reached for two bottles of water from the freezer. "Don't say that shit again." I continued to laugh as I threw him a bottle of water, his guilt dripping from his face.

Jax isn't an asshole. He's a player with half a conscience when it comes to sleeping around but he's not a terrible person. He's been there for me more than most people which is amazing considering for a long time, I was worse than him.

I sighed as I stepped in front of him. "Don't feel bad. I've probably done worse than you've said."

He chuckled lowly as he continued to stare down at the bottle in his hand. "I'm jealous of you, Kai."

My body stiffened for a second. Why would Jax ever be jealous of me? I wanted to laugh but I could tell he was serious. "What do you mean? Why would you be jealous of me?"

He looked up at me, his blue eyes darker than usual. "Why wouldn't I be? You're attractive, you're in much better shape than I am and you don't have to try that hard; you just do. You have a talent and a passion, you're even changing." He scoffed as he stood up and stepped past me, my eyes following him.

"I bet you haven't had sex in months." He glanced back at me, that look on his face like he knew he was right.

"...it's only been two months." I mumbled, my hand sliding down the back of my neck. "I'm just not in the mood any more man. It's cool if you are—"

"Why aren't you 'in the mood'? Huh? You met Celestia around two months ago, Kai."

"How do you know that?"

He turned to face me, his hands wrapped tightly around the bottle, the container slightly dented.

"Aurua told me because Rosie told her...she's changed you man. You're...moving on in your life and what am I doing?"

I chuckled in an attempt to lighten the mood. I've never seen Jax contemplate his life choices. Especially not because of any of mine. "We are only 21 man, we have got so much life to live. You've got time. And it's not like I'm with Celestia or anything."

"Yea but you want to be. The way we were living, we weren't even likely to make it this far and you're already thinking about changing. I want that."

I haven't spent too much of my life actually feeling guilty. I shut that ability off awhile ago but right now, I'm feeling it a bit too much.

"I want someone beautiful and smart and someone who actually likes me," he laughed but his eyes weren't following "not just thinks my eyes are great or my body is 'amazing'. I mean It's not like I've been aiming for anybody like that but you weren't either. You probably just wanted to fuck her and call it a night. I want a realization like that. A 'big bang' moment where I just realize."

How does he know me so well? I'm guilty about originally just wanting to have sex with Moonie but now I'm too scared to even go that far. I'm trying not to think with my dick and actually be a good person for her because that's what she deserves but I'm not sure that makes up for it.

"Like I said," my voice softened but I tried to keep an upbeat tone "we are still young. You have so much time, Jax. Chill out. Besides, you don't want to be me or anything like me. The only good thing I have is Celestia. Sure the money is great too but I don't have anything to do with it."

He stared up at me and I watched his eyes as he tried to believe me.

He scoffed as he shut his eyes for a moment before turning away from me and staring toward the stairs. "Yea man, we'll see."

I sighed as I watched him walk off and up the stairs. I blew out a breath as I slid out a chair and sat down.

"Fuck I hate being a therapist."