Yes Professor Johansson

Chapter 33:

SCARLETT'S POV

In complete honesty...I feel nothing for my mother. She's been dead to me since the day they sent me away. But to hear that she is actually dying...there was a relief I felt; and that relief turned to guilt.
I'm angry that I feel guilty. I have every right to feel relieved, so why do I feel bad for that?
I very nearly ended my life due to the trauma of being her daughter, being a part of that bloodline makes me feel undeserving to live. I didn't deserve nice things, my entire life was wrapped around my last name and being bound to the wrong doings of my loved ones.

I've been made to do some awful things. Make commitments I was never ready for.
But the one commitment I am so very ready to make is with her.
I have never in my entire existence felt so calm with a person, just looking at the way her skin creases as she smiles, the way her hair falls so perfectly imperfectly. That spark for life in her eyes that I'm sure I never possessed. The small but noticeable marks across her body that write the story of her life. Like the scar on her knee that I'm sure was the aftermath of a fall when she was eight years old, or it could have been a year ago, what do I know.
She is quite literally the moon, pulling the sea, saving my lands from flooding. Saving myself from drowning.
But God, if she were the sea I would have let the water take me long ago.

I've felt a yearning for her since the day she walked into my classroom, but I was very willing to ignore it. For a while I ignored it. Until she came in bruised, her knuckles worn and sliced; something had happened, someone had hurt her and it then became my job to protect her. Of course I couldn't develop a personal relationship with her, it would have cost me my job if anyone were to find out. I'd worked so hard to get where I was and I wasn't going to lose that over a student. No, but she was different, and as each day passed it became increasingly difficult to resist the temptation. I needed her. I needed her the same way your body fights for you to breathe when submerged in water, completely desperate. I needed her just as space needs the stars. She was my breath of fresh air, so fresh that I was now addicted.

Just looking at her now, I fall more and more in love with her. Every moment I know of her I fall more in love, even when she's not there.
I said some things that I didn't mean, I regret saying them even more because they are not true; completely and utterly so. Just as I'd gotten her I would have quickly lost her, and trust me I am not going to lose the one good, honest, thing in my life.
I want to be more honest with her, I need to be, but I know she will leave. I should have told her everything earlier but now I feel it's too late.

I want to marry her, I want to build a family with her. I want a life with her. I want the world with her. Everything I want is with her.

I have something for her, a gift you could say. Or a token of my love for her, oh gosh that was extremely cheesy. I want to give it to her before we leave, it helps to have that as something to look forward to; or that's me finding excuses. Entirely the case.
I just hope she doesn't find it, she is extremely perceptive and nosy so she finds everything I try to hide. Physically that is. I just hope this one slips from her radar.

This trip has so far been a mess, I've messed it up, but these next few days I want to make sure are magical for My Girl, because she damn well deserves it. After being through so much and growing so much as a person I want her to know that I'm never leaving her, I will never send her away or walk out on her.

She is my one and only.
And that is something I am definitely not messing up.