Wolff Cub | The Next Chapter | Max Verstappen #3

Thoughts and Feelings

Kaycee's (POV)

When I woke up in that hospital I couldn't explain the pain I felt, it wasn't a physical pain it was like my soul had been ripped from my body. I knew I should of been relieved that I was awake and okay but that wasn't how I felt at all, I didn't want to be there. I didn't want to be anywhere. Having that feeling was one of the reasons why I made the decision to leave and get help. I knew that's what I actually needed and that if I didn't I had no idea what I would have ended up doing to myself.
The first few days of being here really were a blur of emotions it was so unbelievably hard to distinguish what was real and what was just in my mind. I really questioned if I made the right decision and I tried to leave a couple of times but thankfully that decision was taken out of my hands. Apparently it wasn't safe and I was a danger to myself. But once I actually adjusted to everything and the medication started to kick in I was finally able to start talking. It wasn't just about Charles it was so much deeper than that I'd been hurting for such a long time that Charles was just the thing that finally broke me. The truth was if it wasn't him eventually it would have been something else, I had so much bottled up inside me just waiting to spill over.

Today was my last therapy session, well the last one here. "So Kaycee how are you feeling about going home" my therapist asked snapping me out of my thoughts. I'd been staring out the window for most of the session, usually these would go so well but today it was different I didn't feel like talking or thinking. I didn't know how I felt about going home I'd put it to the back of my mind until now, but I was going to be leaving in two days. Even though every part of me wanted to run home and hold Luna in my arms because there was no denying how much I'd missed her, the thought of having to face reality and go back to Monaco again truly terrified me. "Scared and anxious" I replied being truthful, for the first time since I can remember I was finally being honest about how I was feeling. It was different here, being able to just say how I felt without everyone's eyes turning to concern made me feel comfortable. My therapist nodded and started to write in her notepad like she always did. The pen scratching against the paper was a soothing sound I'd come to get used to over the time I'd been here. I'd been here for 4 weeks, and in that time I hadn't spoken to or seen anyone. They could have visited and called but I made the decision that I didn't want to speak to anyone whilst I was here. "And you feel ready?" That wasn't something I'd not really considered up until now and in all honesty I didn't feel ready. I was so fearful of being alone with my thoughts, I couldn't guarantee that I wouldn't try to end it all again. "I don't think I'll ever be ready" I muttered back as I looked out the window again. "I'm sure your family are looking forward to having you home" I'm sure they were dreading it as much as I was. None of them would be able to relax with me being back, they'd have to watch my every move worried I'd try and do it again. And as for Max I didn't even know if he'd still be there when I got home. The truth was I wouldn't even blame him if he'd decided to walk away, who could deal with this long term. "Kaycee you've been so positive up until today, what's changed" she was right I had been positive, but all that positivity was gone, I knew everyday wouldn't be perfect but if I was already slipping into feeling like this here what hope did I have going back to Monaco. "What if I go home and just go back to how I was" I sighed, not able to kick the feeling of deflation that I woke up with this morning. "that's why we will continue to support you" she paused until I turned to look at her "you'll have weekly therapy and continue to take the medication" I guess that was the thing I wasn't just going home completely fixed and was a hard pill to swallow.

By the time it came the day for me to leave I just sat on the end of my bed staring at my suitcase, I really couldn't bring myself to pack it. When I got here I thought I'd be excited to be going home but it was the complete opposite. "Would you like some help" a familiar and comforting voice said from the doorway. I looked up to see Susie standing there with her usual soothing and warm smile. I knew someone would come to collect me and I was so relieved that it was her. Susie came to sit on the bed next to me and squeezed my hand. "One step at a time" she whispered quietly. I took a deep breath and stood up. This was it I was going home. I just hoped it would be okay, that I would be okay.