Not Acid Nor Alkaline ~ Sleep Token FF ~

19.Open up to me

A few minutes later, he stood up getting his boxers back on.
I rolled onto my side and looked at him.
'Don't worry, I'm not leaving.', he said, I thought I might even saw a little smile.
He softly kissed my forehead before going out of the room, for sure he went to the bathroom, I guessed.

I used this moment I was all by myself to try and think about what had happened. But my head was too fuzzy to think clear.

I dressed myself in an oversized shirt while waiting for him to come back.
As he came back inside and I looked at him, it was the first time for me it felt strange him having his mask on.
After what just had took place betweeen us, it made me feel being connected to him. It was so intimate what we had shared, that now I finally wanted to know who he was.

I stood up and he pulled me right into his arms and kissed me. 'You want to have a drink?', I asked him.
'Sure.', he said smiling. 'I could use some drink right now honestly.'
Both of us chuckled,he got fully dressed again and followed me into the living room.
'Do you drink alcohol?', I asked him and he nodded.
First I got a water bottle for each of us and then I poured us some whiskey as well.

'Cheers.', we clinked glasses.
We both sat down on the couch.
'I am not good in talking', Vessel began. 'I am better in singing. But, I think I need to learn this now, don't I.' He cleared his voice.
'I hope you are not going to be mad at me..'
I frowned over his words. Did he want to say this was going to be a one night stand for him?
'What do you mean?', I swallowed trying to fight against my upcoming worries.

He emptied the glass of whiskey and stood up. Vessel walked to the window and starred outside. I was just able to see his back.
This situation began to scare me somehow.

'Before I'll tell you who I am, who is behind this mask, who hides behind being Vessel...', he took a deep breath and turned around to face me again.
'You are special to me, Emma. And all of this' he pointed at both of us. 'All of the feelings, have nothing to do with the past, just the present.'

I didn't fully understand what he wanted to tell me. This had nothing to do with the past? Which past?

He lowered his head and pulled his hood down, revealing his hair.
Then he took his mask off, still his face was hiding from me.
My heart began racing and I tried to think straight. Would this change anything between us? In this second I was sure it wouldn't, but later?
Little did I know who he was.

It was quiet around us, so quiet I could hear him slightly sobbing.
'Don't worry', I whispered and my feet carried me to him, slowly step by step I came closer. I reached out to touch his cheek, feeling the little trace of a tear that had fallen down.
I raised his head to finally see him.

'No!', I muttered and my eyes widened. 'It is really you?' His eyes met mine and for me it looked like he would regret.
Tears filled my eyes. 'Why?', I asked with trembling voice.
The first tears ran down my cheeks.

'I was afraid.', he began. 'When I saw you at the open mic night and you were enjoying my music, I wanted to stay in contact with you. You aren't any kind of listener, you still were a person from my past.' He turned around and looked out the window again.

'Seeing you in the coffee shop then was like a sign for me. But I feel different without the mask, I feel insecure. I wasn't able to open up to you and it got out of hand. I missed the point of talking openly in the beginning and thought it would be better to keep the mask on as long as possible. Getting to know you with and without my mask maybe was the only way for me of seeing that you're still the same. You are still the classmate that never said a bad word about me, that never bullied me and didn't care about what others said about me.' He turned around and held me by my arms.

'But at the same time, we both have changed. We both have a different past in our lives after we left school and it seems like both of us got hurt really bad and each of us had changed from what we've been to.'
Every word he had said was true and every word felt like a needle in my skin.

'After we had finished school, I continued making music. I never gave up in making music, there was no other way for me. I had that girlfriend back then, she was everything to me, I had nobody apart from her. The relationship became more and more toxic and me becoming more dependant on her by time. Until it all ended by me finding out about her cheating on me. Not only did I loose my girlfriend, I lost my home as well and in the end I attempted suicide.', his voice was shaking while he began rolling up his sleeve.

'They found me being unconscious and I ended up in a psychiatry for 2 years.' I looked at his arm that had either been covered by clothes or black paint. Now it showed his scars that were all so present.
It was the first time I looked in his eyes again. Yes, I felt sorry for him, but I didn't tell him. It was something I never liked myself, hearing everyone around me telling me how sorry they'd be for me.

I kept looking into his eyes and softly stroke over his arm and his scars, stepping a bit closer to him. This was an intense moment being so open about our pasts. I knew it would be my turn now and it felt like I had a huge lump in my throught.
'Can you hold me?', I asked him barely able to speak.
I needed to feel the support right now.
He did what I asked for and he embraced me.

I listened to his heart beat that seemed as fast as mine has been in this moment.
'Thank you for being so honest to me. And yes, you are right about us going through a hard time after school.', I began finding a way to start.
'You have seen me at the graveyard that other day. The grave is my grandmothers. She got murdered a few years back. And it were my parents that had killed her. I lost my grandma that meant everything to me and I lost my parents that I had always looked up to and never thought they would do this.' I tried to held back more tears. I took a deep breath before continuing to tell him my story.

'I was already studying in London. I always thought if I still would have lived at home, would they have killed me as well or would I have been able to rescue my grandmother. I was in therapy over the past years and I ended up every single contact to people from our hometown due to everyone seeing me as the daughter of the killer couple. I never told others about it, you're the first one except for my shrink.'
Somehow I felt releaved for telling him everything. It felt like a huge burden had fallen off of my shoulders.
And it ment everything to me that he just held me. He placed a little kiss on my head, pulling me again a bit closer.

'Maybe it was the right way of you keeping the mask on as long as possible.', I murmured against his chest. 'I guess if I just would have known you through your regular visits at the coffee shop, I would have pushed you away as well. You wearing the mask became sort of me wearing a mask as well. I needed time to trust you and my feelings.'
I told the truth. I wouldn't have given him a chance as I was blocking everyone from my past, because I was too frightened.

I don't know how long we were standing there in the living room, holding each other and talking about everything.
In the middle of the night I remember being carried into my bed. I had woken up while being in his arms and he placed me onto the mattress.
'Sorry. I must have been fallen asleep.', I whispered. 'Don't worry.', he smiled softly and kissed my forehead before I drifted off into sleep again.