Confessions Of An Overthinker

20.Is being strong good?

Am tired of hearing that I am strong, that I have been holding on to something that I knew would never work out.

Am tired of hearing that I saw all the signs, they saw the signs but I was still expecting something to change.

Am tired of hearing that he never truly loved me because at one point I could feel that he actually did.

Am tired of being tired.

But even when I am tired I know it's all true. Am tired of the truth. No that's a lie. I welcome the truth. It hurts but I don't want to be lied to ever again because I am tired of the lies.

The truth is, all the truth hasn't been told. There are some parts so horrendous that talking about them would traumatize me all over again.

Shawn and I talk now and then. Mainly about our child, sometimes the house, and sometimes when weakness strikes our feelings.

I get so angry if he dares to mention the so-called love he had for me.

What love? The love I had to protect myself from? That love. Wow.

Respect equals love, but love does not equal respect. So it's ROL (Respect over Love)from now on. I wrote it first, well Ren(my sister) and I did.

I learned that the hard way and I am still learning, only now do I know not to settle for disrespect, not to only voice my opinion but to action it.

I've learned that my happiness is of paramount importance and to protect it at all costs.

I get anxiety attacks from a strange number calling my phone, my hands start shaking, I feel the drumming of my heart clearly and sometimes I do a voice check just to confirm if it's shakey as well.

The difficulty with writing about one's life is not knowing when to stop writing and end the chapter. If anyone should read my story one day I pray they understand that 'you are stronger than you believe and you deserve the best, never settle'.

Sometimes it's easier to advise someone than to take that advice yourself. True change happens when you identify the problem and know that in order to enjoy true happiness one must first take one's advice.

I ask once more is being strong good?

First, you must be weak to know strength,
How many persons come back from being weak?
Not everyone handles the mental battle the same,
Some minds are mentally strained that the battle feels like it's their life it would drain,

I handled my battle poorly,
I endure hoping to gain something that was never truly mine,
I endure because I believe that is how love worked, that is how marriage worked, for better or for worst,

It's stupid how my view of reality has changed,
It took someone doing to me exactly what he did, only now I am the other woman looking in to understand how and why he did what he did,

It took someone unearthing those feelings that I kept hidden,
I am a hypocrite, for slowly allowing myself to act contrary to my moral and spiritual beliefs,
Just for someone to show me that I am still worthy, worthy of love, and that I am still beautiful,
His intention is different from mine but just a little of that lust was enough to uplift me from the pit of despair,
And it slowly began to repair that which he didn't break and yet I want something that isn't mine to have, need something that isn't mine to hold,
But if the truth should be told its the attention I seek, the feeling I love, to feel wanted without being hurting,

Again, is being strong good?

I needed the strength to know that there are things I will never settle for again, to learn to speak out, to act out.

Being strong isn't good, but it is necessary to know your worth and its necessary for growth.

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Thanks for reading, I somehow managed to make it to Chapter 20 after all! Yeah.

I tried displaying Monica's feelings the best I knew how mixed with a little of my own experience.

One chapter to go then it's officially the end.

For some reason I love this chapter so much. ❤ 💙 💜