Confessions Of An Overthinker

10. Acceptance is Key

The hardest thing was knowing that you loved someone that was totally okay with ignoring you.

You check your phone each time to see if there is a message or a miss call from that person but you never do. Expectations kills and even though you love that person you don't want to be with them because it hurts too much.

It hurts feeling unwanted and knowing that the person doesn't value you but it's been 9years and all you know is loving that person and only that person.

9years accepting a mediocre life because you hoped that one that he would understand what it meant to love and be loved and that he would acknowledge that fact that he was wrong to ever break your trust and love for him.

The cheating took a hold on me. I just couldn't forget it. Each call or text went to his phone unattended activated the brain termites who would start eating away until my cranium hurt. Let me list some facts that I have come to terms with.

Fact 1. I am not without blame. I must have contributed to this somehow and I take full responsibility for that. I am equally to be blamed for how I acted each time and how I allowed him to treat me during the cheating fiasco.

Fact 2. I have only been with one person for 9years. I have loved him more that I loved myself then I have unloved him because he cheated and even though I unloved him I still loved him. To clarify I wasn't inlove anymore but I loved him no matter how I tried to put the feelings aside.

Fact 3. Sure I have flirted with other guys to make me feel better about myself and to know that I was still worthy of someone else's attention. This also happened after he cheated because I was a proud married woman that loved her husband endlessly and would never do anything to disgrace him. Not everyone will treat you the way you treat them, lesson lived, lesson learnt.

Fact 4. I was treated like shit, dirt, garbage, trash, doormat, puppet and like we Jamaican knows the common term for a female that loves a man more than her own life 'yamabella'. He treated me like that and I stayed. I stayed hoping that he would remember what we had, what I meant to him. How I loved him and only him but he never did.

Fact 5. He lacked communication. Yes we hardly spoke because he choose to always work(towards the house we were building) and ignore me. We lived in the same parish but yet he choose not to see me. Each time I asked if I could be there(because sometimes his work was flexible) he had an excuse. Red flag I know. But I hoped to believe him even though everything that he said was a lie to me.

What the fudge(pardon my french) is wrong with me?!!

Fact 6. I thought about him all day every day. I checked my phone every now and then, then I reminded myself that he didn't love me anymore.

Fact 7. I need to love myself and get the divorce so both of us can be free and happy separately. Also I need to stop waiting for him to change.

Fact 8. I was finding it extremely hard to come to terms with the fact that he didn't want me. Like I'm here reevaluate my entire life wondering what did I do that was so wrong that we couldn't talk it out?? Why was cheating the solution? Was sex that big of an issue?

Fact 9. I was gonna have to get use to this feeling that he wasn't the one until I got over it.

Fact 10. I have amazing friends. I love them endlessly. They helped me to learn to love myself.. I acknowledge all or most in no specific order Taj, Chevy, Janelle, Tasy, Ren, Debs, B-Shannakay, Shawn-ShawnaKay, Shanda, Doreka, Chrystal which is also different from Christal, Nachel, Roger, Ricardo (even thou we don't speak anymore), Lu, Model body, Tajay. If it weren't for all of yall I don't know where my mental health would be at the moment. Thanks for any role you'll played that contributed towards my life and my sanity.

These are my facts. My truth. My reality. Will I ever be okay? Am I staying not to be lonely? I believe I was but I am learning to be okay with my own company.

Starting over isn't something that entices me. Sure it was great to flirt but when it really counted who would be there for me?

Flirting was lust, lusting after something that you believe is better, but at some point in time what i had, the person i am with is the person that i had lust for.

Life was f up, maybe it was the way we lived it, either way it was complete unfair but who promised us that life would be the way we wanted it? No-one guaranteed us that and the mere fact that the Holy book promised of worst to come then why the hell should we think that there was the hope of better?

Its best to accept life as it is and just live. Live your best life doing what pleases you and if someone hurt you after you explicitly advised them that a specific action such as cheating would affect your mental healh and they still do it then f them. Run for the hill, get over it however long it takes but don't lose yourself in the process. There is nothing wrong with being faithful, you just have to decipher who to be faithful to.

There are no second chances when it comes to you happiness and if that person asked for forgive then you must forgive them! Yes you must! That doesn't mean you should stay with them. Forgive and move on. He told me that once forgive forget and move on.

Its a pity he did not extend this motto to her. Enough with me reasoning about unfair life and cheating men.

Some say "a man will always be a man and you cannot do what a man do and still be a lady"

Fuck that! I didn't tell anyone that I wanted to be a lady. I'm barely even human. I salute you.

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So?????

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