Confessions Of An Overthinker

2.Stupid

Title:
If you are stupid and you know it.

My phone started to ring when I removed it from my bag. It was around 6:38am.

"Where are you?" This is suspicious.

"In a bus? Why do you ask?"

"Come out and wait on me." The audacity. His command had lost its significance.

"Why?" I asked with defiance.

"Just come out of the bus, I'll pick you up. Am going your side but you'll have to take another taxi after." Wow, was he for real. He hardly spent any time with me and now I was on my way to work he planned to mess with me mentally?

I thought for a minute and stopped the bus, paid my fare and got out. He blatantly lied to me that same morning and here I was on my way to work, got out of the bus to wait on him in the hot sun.

I was stupid. I knew it. What forced me out of the bus? I was angry and had the upper hand. I called his phone, he answered.

"Where are you?"

"Am on my way."

"You didn't answer the question!" I was tired of getting answer to question I didn't ask and the question I did ask I didn't get an answer to. I got real upset real quick.

"Look, I was on my way to work and got out of the bus so kindly hurry up because I don't want to be late today." I was tired. I wanted to be free of him and here he was, still in my space, I allowed him to be there and for that I blamed myself. I was stupid and fully aware of it.

I watched the cars passing by as I hoped to own a Prado someday but these drivers drove recklessly. Persons passed by as well oblivious to me watching them. Some smiled with their friends while others greeted each other in a way that non Jamaicans would consider a quarrel. Jamaicans really greeted each other like they had a grudge and wanted to have a brawl.

On the other hand I was constantly fighting with my mental health. I knew I needed help, but where, who. I didn't know any psychologist and how much would they charge, I had to save for my son. My mind was my battlefield and I tried to do my best not to lose. I shifted from leg to leg just standing there.

"Hey come on." I snapped out of my trance. He looked like the person I fell in love with but he wasn't. He had the man's face and his body but his smile. It was off. The energy was different, I couldn't feel him anymore. Our souls were no longer intertwined.

He drove off. Silence my best friend. Well I tried but my mind had other plan. Multiple scenarios ran rampage. Why was I doing this to myself?. Why couldn't he just be honest with me? People often say you teach a person the way to treat you but I didn't teach him this. I didn't teach him to lie. I was wrong to stay when I saw that he was much happier with someone else. I guess I taught him to disrespect me.

"Nica!"

I turned my head and looked at him. I had nothing good to say so I remained silent.

"Look, I've been calling your name for a while now, what are you thinking about now?" His question wasn't due to the fact that he cared. He knew he lied to me that same morning and now wanted to smooth things over. I continued looking at him. He had put on weight but his face had the distinctive look of the person I had my child with. I remembered the moment he looked at our child after I gave birth. The love radiated off him. Now, I didn't know what I saw but love it was not.

I turned away. "So you aren't going to answer?" He asked stupidly. My mouth twitched and I licked my lips. My friend Velle once told me not to accept every invitation for an argument. So I had to return the invitation he was giving unopened. Why did I even get off the bus I was on?! He could no longer do the job of loving me properly when he shared the love which was mine. He gave away that which wasn't his to give. He said he stopped but all the evidence said otherwise.