Confessions Of An Overthinker

8. Birthdays:(

Each word broke me. The emotion were strong and real. I wanted to be owned yet he didn't want to own me in public or otherwise based on his action. He wasn't prepared. Each year he found a new way to break me. I was tired.

"I have to go Belas and buy a slipper." I was laying in bed wondering if he was smoking something high. I loved morning hugs. I wanted the moment to last. I knew it wasn't 100% genuine but I wanted to feel loved and at this moment wrapped in his arm this fell pretty much close to the real thing.

"What do you mean you have to?" I asked hurting but trying not to show it.

"I need to buy a slippers so we can go out later". I honestly didn't understand what he meant. I just wanted to sleep for the day as I was extremely tired and just needed my rest. Well to rest in his arms.

"Well we aren't going anywhere so you don't need to go and buy anything." Came my firm response. Didn't he understand that I didn't want him to move, to leave, to get up. All I needed at the moment what to be held lovingly. To relish in the feeling of being loved even though I knew it wasn't real.

"Well I still need to buy the slippers to go out." He said rolling over. I breathe calculating what I would say very carefully.

"Again you don't need to go anywhere and buy anything because we arent going anywhere! Plus what happened to yesterday? Why didn't you buy it then?" This was just a repeat of all my previous birthdays. The day was never about what I wanted. It was about how he wanted to do what he wanted for my birthday.

No matter what I asked for he would give me something completely different then say "you deserve more than what you ask for". I got so upset when I thought about my life choices. This was 5 years and counting. For 5years no matter what I asked for I never got. I know you must be wondering what I asked for. Well I'll be more than happy to tell you: A bible, a mirror, a notebook, I asked him to cook for me and just spend the day with me. Yep that's what I asked for. Yet I got neither. He always went overboard but all that I asked for didn't involved him spending more that $1000 Jamaican dollar and I asked for one not all.

This may sound ungrateful and I am fine with that. But my birthday was the one day I got to be selfish. Why did I continue to expect if he had a trend of not following through. Honestly I don't know and I was tired of waiting. He was still telling me what HE needed to do and I was crying internally.

I had the laundry to do and as much as I wanted to rest I hated seeing clothes that needed to be washed. I reluctantly got up and went to the bathroom to do some washing. He still planned to leave and buy the slipper, I believe he wanted to sneak out and have sex with someone to prove some point. Why is it that he had to leave this day at this time. Long story short, we argued some more and he said something along the line of "we spent 1 hour arguing I could have used that time to buy the slipper and return".

"Question, what happen to the slipper you have now?" I asked.

"That old slipper, yuh know how me tired a wear that?!" He asked rhetorically.

Wait, hold up, what? He was tired of wearing it? So yesterday wasn't he aware of this fact?! Like I said he always knew how to disappoint me on my day.

He left and like an idiot I cried. I cried for all the previous years, all the past hurt, I cried because I was stupid, I cried because I didn't want my son to treat any woman the way he treated me. I cried because he was no what I needed, I cried because I haven't felt loved I cried because I knew he was meeting someone I just didn't have the proof. I cried because he could just stay with her and leave ne to break and heal in peace. I cried because he found every single way to break me. I cried because I got pregnant in my mom's house and I couldn't leave because I didn't want to leave my child on her like my previous siblings. I cried because he didn't have to worry about taking care of our son. I cried because he had his freedom to do whatever he wanted while I had to stay at home taking care of our son. I cried because I loved my son but I need my freedom. I cried because other than my parents my son was the only one that loved me.