Home for Winter

chapter 16

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chapter 16

Words We Cannot Say

Olivia

"Hindi pa ba sumasakit ang kamay mo?" tanong ni Everett na nakaupo sa tabi ko.

"Medyo. Pero, kaya ko pa naman— shocks!" Like he's jinxing it, the yarn slips from my finger. I suck my teeth in annoyance.

"Masakit na siguro ngayon?" tanong ulit ni Everett.

Biyernes na ngayon at tinatapos ko itong huling scarf na ireregalo ko sa mga matatanda. I've been working on it for the past few days and he must've noticed it.

"Okay, masakit na nga. Pero kailangan ko pa 'tong tapusin."

"Para kina Lola?"

Tumango ako. "Tingin mo magugustuhan nila? These scarfs, I mean."

"Yes. They will. I'm sure."

"You're sure?"

"As I can see, you're working so hard for it. So, yes. Ma-appreciate nila 'yan."

I smile with what he says. I can't wait to see them wearing these scarfs. To see them wearing it every day, every winter as they feel it's warmth against the chilling weather is enough to motivate me.

Then something hits me. A memory of smiling strangers endlessly thanking us.

"Naalala ko na ngayon... kung, kung ano 'yong ginagawa namin noon. Noong buhay pa si Mama, I mean. Kapag wala siyang trabaho, she volunteers for charity works, at, uh, madalas niya akong sinasama."

I remember it now, her generous smile while serving and helping in those charity works. Parang hindi siya napapagod kahit pa may trabaho. On her 35th birthday, I remember, she bought food packs and we distributed it to the homeless in the city. Sa sumunod na taon, katulong niya ko sa pagbabalot ng mga regalo para sa mga bata sa ampunan. Lumaki siya sa hirap kaya sabi niya gusto niyang tumulong ngayong siya na ang nakakaluwag.

"She said we should live with and for others. Ngayon, naiintindihan ko na 'yong ibig niyang sabihin."

She said she knew how hard it is to live in this world alone, but a small help from other people would mean so much. We lost nothing by helping them, but they gain everything. Hope.

"I think I have an answer for it now."

"What answer?"

"Sa tanong ko sa 'yo. That, ah, how do we live this empty life?" sabi ko. "I don't know for the rest, but um, I think the best that I can do for now is to open myself; to other people, I mean. To let them in my life again."

Maybe then, I'd be able to learn to slowly, even just slowly, accept my mother's death. And let go of her.

"I want to let go of her, si mama, I mean... Maybe not now, but soon. And, um, let go of the pain, of the anger... the past... and forgive myself." I sigh. "I can do that right?"

He nods and gave me an assuring smile. "Yes, you can. You will. One day."

When I finally does, I think I can finally start anew, and then hopefully, one day I'd be able to fill the void in my chest. When the time comes that we finally meet again, I'd tell her that I lived a good life like she had always hope.

I think I finally found a way to let the light sneak in my windowless world.

"At, um, Everett..." Lumingon siya at nagtama ang tingin namin, "I...." Strangely, I feel the beat of my heart slowing down; calming away my anxiety.

Sa likod ng makapal niyang salamin, masinsing naghihintay ang tingin niya. Gone is the melancholy that is always once there, what replace is familiarity, peace... comfort.

Pero siguro, nando'n pa rin ang nakasanayan kong takot at hiya kapag tumitingin sa mata ng mga tao kaya hindi ko masabi ang mga salita.

That to me, Everett is one of the reasons why I open myself to the world again. That he reminded me, despite this world being cruel, there are still people like him. Those that will listen, that won't judge, that would be good to you.

My winters has always been empty, but for the first time, he makes it feel alive.

My winters has always been cold and lonely, but Everett, you have become one of my warmth.

"...thank you for stopping by."

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