Home for Winter

chapter 10

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chapter 10
Warm Hands That Guide Me

Olivia

I was used living alone ever since the tragedy. Wala na rin naman akong ibang makakasama dahil nasa ibang probinsya ang mga pamilya ni Mama. My father is... living his best life with his true family.

For the past years, I'm all by myself. Until Everett decided to rent the place. Noong una, hindi ko alam ang gagawin. I was anxious, and uncomfortable— to think that I was living alone for the past years— especially when he went down and asked to sit with me.

Pero kalaunan, parang nasanay na lang din ako. Honestly, it feels like I'm still alone even with his presence. Not in a bad way, though. I think that's a compliment that I could give— especially for someone like me who don't like socializing too much. It means his presence doesn't bother me as much.

I'm relieved that he is good to me. That he didn't judge me for being Olivia, for doing the things that I did. For just being there, silent and willing to listen.

Habang hinihintay namin na humina ang pagkawala ng langit ng niyebe, tahimik kaming sumimsim sa mga in-order na kape. Nakaupo ng harapan at nakatitig sa labas mula sa maliit na bintana.

Maybe it's the fact that he's always silent, ever so careful and slow with his movements? Or is it because our conversations make sense and makes me think?

"Pahina na," aniya at napasulyap sa 'kin. Kaagad kong inalis ang tingin at tumango nang hindi tumitingin.

Maybe it's the fact that he's not bothered how I can't look at him when we talk, and that he never forces me to— that alone keeps me at ease.

"Gusto mo na bang umuwi?"

"Oo sana."

"Then, let's go?"

Sabay kaming lumabas. The cold— even in my three-layer clothes— still seeps in as soon as we step outside. Hinintay ko siyang maunang maglakad pero hindi siya gumagalaw, at napansin kong nakatingin lang siya sa mga tao, parang naliligaw.

"You lead the way," he whispers, I think I hear him stutter a bit.

Tumango na lang ako at naglakad na papunta sa sakayan ng bus pabalik.

Ramdam at rinig ko ang bawat paghinga niya habang naglalakad sa likod ko dahil sa sobrang lapit niya. I think I see confusion and anxiousness in his eyes. As if he'll be lost if I leave him here. Kaya binagalan ko ang lakad para makahabol siya kahit pa gusto ko ng makauwi agad.

I hear him sigh after we arrived at the bus stop. His confuse expression is replace by relief.

Nahuli niya akong nakasilip kaya nag-iwas agad ako.

You look anxious, I want to say, but I think that would make him uncomfortable.

"We're here," ang sabi ko na lang.

"Thanks," he mumbles ever so carefully.

Pinauna niya akong sumakay sa bus. Maghahanap pa lang ako ng mauupuan nang may biglang tumawag. "Olivia, ikaw ba 'yan?"

Si Nanay Priscilla, nakaupong mag-isa, ang agad kong namukhaang tumawag sa 'kin.

"Dito ka na umupo," tawag niya. Her bright smile appears as she points at the empty seat beside her.

Nahihiya akong humindi kaya tumango na lang ako at sumunod. Everett sits at the vacant chair at our back.

"Saan po kayo galing, nay?"

"Diyan lang sa may botika, bumili ng gamot, naubos na— ay tamang tama, namili ako dahil magluluto ako. Sumama na kayo sa 'kin sa bahay at ipagluluto ko kayo!"

"Ah, 'wag na po. Maabala pa po kayo,"

"Susmaryosep, wala 'yon. Magluluto ako ng sampelot sa mga apo ko, tikman niyo rin, kumakain ka ba no'n?"

Huminto ako sa sinabi niya. "Sampelot po?"

That's... my favorite.

"Oo, ipagluluto ko kayo. Ikaw, 'pogi, kumakain ka ba ng sampelot?" tanong niya kay Everett at hinarap pa siya sa likod.

"Kumakain naman po."

"Tamang tama! Sumama kayo sa bahay at ipagluluto ko kayo!" Kinalabit ulit ako ni Nanay. "Kumakain naman pala siya, sumama kayo at ipagluluto ko kayo. Ay matutuwa ang mga batang makita kayo lalo ka na pogi, magpapabasa sigurado sa 'yo ang mga 'yon. Basahan mo sila ah?" sabi niya kay Everett. "Eh, hindi kasi ako marunong."

Nahihiya kami kay Nanay pareho, pero dahil mapilit si Nanay, napasama na lang kami. I don't also want to ruin her mood. She looks jolly today.

"Huwag niyo palang sasabihin sa anak ko na umalis akong mag-isa, naku, magagalit 'yon sa 'kin! Ayaw akong umalis mag-isa, akala mo naman eh batang maliit ako. Minsan hindi ko na alam kung siya ba ang nanay sa 'min," kwento niya habang naglalakad kami. "Gano'n yata talaga kapag tumatanda na."

It's my first time going in the village. It's chiller, but not as dead because of the woods. Ang mga haalaman at puno, natatabunanan ng niyebe. Pero sumisilip pa rin ang kulay. I don't remember walking down this path when I was a child. Kwento ni Mama, tumira kami ng ilang buwan no'n dito. At tuwing winter, palagi akong naglalaro sa labas kasama ang ibang mga bata; gumagawa ng mga snowman, snow angel at nakikipagbatuhan.

Thinking about it now, I wonder if I— who's life has been turned upside down— can still do the things that I once did when I was a kid. If I— a full grown adult whose time is still stuck in the pain of the past— can still feel the joy of being an innocent and bright kid once again.

Walking through this path feels strangely familiar. My hands are cold, but I think I remember myself— for a very brief moment— of walking here with warm hands guiding me.

Halos mapakirot ako nang may biglang humawak sa balikat ko habang iniisip 'yon. Si Nanay lang pala.

"Pasensya na, anak, medyo madulas kasi rito."

Tumango ako at hinayaan na lang. I let her hold me as I, in turn, guide her through the sloppy path. Lumapit din si Everett at tumulong.

May tumawag at kumaway kay Nanay nang makarating na kami sa bahay nila. "Jusmio, Priscilla, bakit umalis ka na naman mag-isa! Magagalit si Beatrice kapag nalaman niya."

Nanay places her shaking pointing finger in her lips.

Bungalow ang bahay, tama lang ang laki pero mukhang matanda at luma na. May terrace sa harap kung saan nakalagay ang rocking chair at nakakalat na mga laruan at libro at may nakapaikot na gate.

The kids rush to Everett as soon as they see us. I see him smile, one that finally reach his eyes.

Tahimik akong nakaupo sa tabi niya habang binabasahan niya ng libro ang mga bata nang pumasok kami sa sala. His voice— which is usually low and gloomy— is full of life. Para bang alam na alam niya kung paanong bigyan ng buhay ang bawat letrang binabasa.

He's really a writer.

Ibang iba ang mood niya kumpara kapag nakikita ko siyang nakaharap sa laptop. The smile reaches his eyes, his shoulder doesn't fall every ten minutes, and his posture doesn't seem stiff or tired.

"The end. Gusto niyo pa ba?"

"More! More! More!"

"Pero wala na pala akong babasahin," bulong niya habang naghahanap ng ibang libro bukod sa mga maninipis at mumurahing nakalapag dito sa lamesa at nabasa niya na.

"Gumawa ka na lang."

"Mhm?"

"Uh, I mean... you're a writer. Impromptu story, I guess?"

"Ah..." He awkwardly chuckles. He pauses and thinks. "Give me words."

Lumingon ako sa labas at nag-isip. The first thing that came into my mind is her. "Mother... winter..." From a distance, I see the old ladies with the food tray in their hands. "Food..." and the smile of the innocent kids. "Warmth."

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