A Knock With Fate

15| Riley

Everyone started to pile out of the house later that evening, Dad was the first to go and honestly.. I was thankful 
I knew coming back here could have been a mistake
I knew he would be here and I knew he would have an opinion. After all, I'm not living up to the standards he thought his girls would cover
I'm the disappointment
But hey.. Every family needs one

"hey Riles" I heard Emily's voice said softly as she came into the kitchen. I was cleaning up the dishes from the party. Nobody had asked me to but I hate the clutter. James had disappeared to change Tilly but Owen was bound to distract him on his way down
"hey Em" I smiled offering a smile in her direction
"So James is a sweetheart" She started making me shoot her a look
"Don't start please" I whispered 

Emily, Owen and Dad are the only people who know what happened, Owen and Emily were the only two people who stood by me no matter what. Dad turned his back on me, reminding me what happened was my fault
It was my responsibility and I screwed up. Any repercussions were warranted and earned 

Emily laid in bed with me night in and night out holding me while I broke down. Right when I could have used my father or my mother. She will always be there, no matter what 

"Hey, I'm not starting anything. I'm merely making an observation" She said nudging me as she passed me and began to dry the dishes as I washed them 
"It's clear he adores you and it's crystal that his daughter is in love with you. Your like a little fami-" She started before my breath hitched

"please chose your next words carefully Em" I said gripping onto the sides of the counter turning to look at her
"Riles, come on" She whispered placing a hand on my arm
"What happened wasn't you fault, stop punishing yourself. Let yourself be happy" She said but I shook my head
"We heard his speech years ago, we know he was right. When is he ever wrong Emily" I said my eyes becoming glassy the more I spoke
"Riley stop it" She warned but I shook my head

"I'm the disappointment, I'm damaged, I'm broken beyond repair Emily. You heard him, you saw the look on his face as he said it" I said
"he meant it" I whispered but Emily shook her head

"This thing with James is nothing more then me nannying his daughter. He shouldn't be tied down to someone like me, he should settle for someone like me. He'll end up with someone better, some one who can give him everything he wants" I said but Emily's eyes continued to search my face
"You don't know that you can't Riley and-" She started 
"And I won't be attempting to find out Emily." I answered

"I'm not putting myself in that situation again. I'll be dammed if I even let anyone that close again" I whispered
"Dad hates me for the situation, he hated me the one time I truly needed him. Then I move away to help myself, to focus on myself and that makes matters worse" I said breaking down this time
Emily rushed over wrapping me into her  arms as sobs filled the room
"Do you know what he said to me today Em" I said my voice breaking with every second

"I'm not his daughter anymore. He can't be associated with someone like me" I sobbed 

There was a pain in my chest reliving the conversation I had had with him earlier. Never did I ever think he would go this far, this one problem I had encounter made me lose the only father I'd ever known.. Over something out of my control
I'm beginning to believe that it was my fault

"Listen to me okay" Em said taking a firm grip of my shoulders so I was looking directly at her
"None of this is on you, this isn't your fault. Our fathers shitty choices as a Dad aren't on you, what you went through isn't on you. You deserve so much more then you give yourself credit for Riley" Emily explained
"you just need to give yourself the chance to see that. You need to give your chance time to mourn what happen, to come to terms with it. Then once you have.. It'll be a brand new book for you" She whispered

I wanted to believe her, god I did. I really really did
But I couldn't

No matter who tells me this isn't my fault, no how many times that comes up, I can't ever believe it. Believing that only solidifies what truly happened. It solidifies the one thing I've been running from for years at this point 

--

Emily I took some time to unbox some of the issues and I'm glad to say we did that out of sight of the boys, out of sight of Tilly. But by the time we got home, they were all asleep
I said goodnight to Emily after getting dressed into pj's before heading to James and I's room for the weekend. Emily had apologised that we had to share, without her knowing we'd just spent the entire week sharing a room. Sharing a bed. Sharing a lot more then just friends would

I opened the door to our room as quietly as I could but the moment I did, I could see James stood by the window bouncing Tilly which only usually happens when she won't settle, she's usually a good sleeper but I guess this is a new place and all

"Hey" I said sparking James' attention making him spin around to look at me
"Hey" He said softly coming over to me with a fussy Tilly
"Oh ladybug" I cooed stroking her cheek. It was clear she was fighting going to sleep
"I've tried everything, I don't know what else to do" James sighed clearly frustrated
"It's okay. I think I have an idea" I said making James raise his brows before handing Tilly to me curiously watching me to see my next move

"I'm gonna need you to get into bed James" I said earning nothing but a confused look from James who silently agreed doing just as I had asked
I walked over to the travel cot picking up Tilly's bunny allowing her to cuddle it even if she pushed it away for the first minute or two. 
As soon as she had accepted I walked over to the bed James was laid in before placing Tilly down next to him
James had been silently watching the pair of us but the confusion started again as he glanced at me almost asking 'what are you doing'

"she'll be safe" I said hoping it would put his thought to ease

I got into bed next to her so she was cuddled up in between James and I. By this point Tilly had completely stopped fussing, she was silent watching James and I before reaching up to place one hand on our cheeks 
"Sleep time princess" James whispered leaning down to kiss his daughters 

I couldn't help but think back to my conversation with Emily. She almost said we looked like a family. I'm letting them get too close, too attached. It isn't going to end well.. I know it

"What's going on" James whispered making me quickly look down at Tilly who was now fast asleep
"She just needed to feel safe. She didn't know this place and had spent all afternoon loitering around unknown people" I said laying my head on the pillow before James copied my actions
"Are you okay Ri?" He asked softly making me look up at him 

His brown eyes were heavy, they were looking at me hoping that my answer would be there to explain everything to him. I wanted to, I don't know what it was about James, but he made me want to tell him everything.. But I can't 
I do that and it's game over for me, for James and Tilly. I won't ever be able to come back from them

I'm so scared of losing them but I'm even more scared that they will find another reason to leave 

"Right here, right now.. I'm okay" I whispered leaning down placing a kiss on Tilly's head before looking up at James 
"Right here, right now.. is all that matters" James whispered back before placing a kiss on my forehead just like I had just done to Tilly

Right here.. Right now..