Us Against the World (Louisiana Series #5)

Kabanata 32

32 - Death

I didn't accept it. I know she was wrong. She was mad and she was trying to find someone to blame. Maybe I would, too, if I was in her place. Pinunasan ko ang mga luha mula sa aking pisngi. I hugged my knees as I curled up on the wooden bedframe. I sniffed and let out a deep sigh. I shook my head to deny everything. He didn't do it. He's too gentle to hurt somebody. Hindi tamang idiin si Zachary sa isang kasalanang walang patunay na siya ang gumawa.

Ipinikit ko ang mga mata ko at idinikit ang palad sa aking tainga upang pigilan ang naririnig. Paulit-ulit akong umiling upang itanggi ang lahat. I've been here for hours. And she'd been, too. She's not leaving anytime soon. She's here to keep on tormenting me with everything. Pakiramdam ko ay masisira ang ulo ko sa galit at sakit, lalo na sa isinisigaw ng konsensya kong kasalanan ko ang lahat ng nangyari.

Was it my fault? Am I denying this because I am too afraid to face the truth of what I did to my family?

"Everyone knows where you were, Julianna. We were just kind enough to let you stay with him because it seemed like taking you away would make him crazy.." Lola looked at me with pity. "I was right all along."

Tiningala ko siya habang puno ng luha ang mga mata. She looked away and let out a deep breath. Her under eyes were dark, and sorrow filled her. Alam kong kahit na gusto niyang magalit sa akin ay hindi niya magawa dahil sa panghihina. Umiwas ako ng tingin upang huwag dagdagan ang sakit na nararamdaman niya. Hindi kayang ikumpara ang sakit na dinaranas niya sa akin.

"My husband is dead. Are you happy now? My husband died protecting you. Gaya ng nangyari noon, umulit lamang ang lahat."

I wiped my tears away again before covering my ears. Guilt continued consuming me. Parang sasabog ang dibdib ko sa takot at sakit. I don't know if I can take it. Pilit kong ipinikit ang mga mata ko at yumuko. I cried silently. Pakiramdam ko ay wala akong karapatang umiyak dahil para sa kanila ay ako naman ang may kasalanan ng lahat.

"Did you really think he loved you?"

I didn't answer her. Humikbi siya at naramdaman ko ang kaniyang pagtayo mula sa kahoy na silya. I heard her footsteps towards me. Lalo akong nanginig sa puwede niyang magawa sa akin dahil sa galit. She's in pain and it's because of me. Everything is because of me.

"You call this love, Julianna? Is this love?" puno ng hinanakit niyang tanong

I whispered to myself so I wouldn't listen to her. Tuluyang bumagsak ang mga luhang pilit kong pinipigilan dahil sa marahas niyang paghila sa aking braso. I didn't open my eyes and bowed my head. Sa boses niya pa lamang ay alam ko na sa akin niya ibubuhos ang lahat ng galit at hinanakit niya.

"Answer me! This is the kind of love you chose?! This?" pilit niya akong hinarap sa kaniya. "Ito ba kapalit ng pamilya mo?"

She shook my body as I tried to move away, but I was caught off guard with a hard slap. Idinilat ko ang mga mata ko kasabay ng patuloy at tahimik na pag-agos ng mga luha. It wasn't painful at all. I felt so numb, I couldn't even feel anything. Sasabog ang dibdib ko. My Grandfather is gone. He died because of me. I caused all of this.

"Ang totoong nagmamahal sa'yo ay kami! It was us! From the moment you were born until now that you screwed up and got your grandfather killed, it is still us! And it is going to be us for the rest of your life!"

She let go of me and I fell on the floor. Wala akong lakas na sumagot, o ipaglaban si Zachary. Wala akong kakayanang sabihing hindi ko ginusto ang lahat ng nangyari. Ang tanging isinisigaw ng isip ko ay tanggapin ang sisi na ako ang may kasalanan. Ako ang may gawa. Ako ang puno't dulo ng lahat.

"I do not understand why you were never content with your family. You had everything you wanted, and yet you gave us all t-these!"

Lola wailed and screamed in pain. Unti-unti at dahan-dahan ang pagkapunit ng puso ko. I have never heard or seen her like this. At ang ideyang ako ang sanhi ng lahat ay masyadong mabigat upang tanggapin. Ni hindi ko siya matignan nang diretso. Kung kailangang lumuhod sa harap niya ay kaya kong gawin, pawiin lang ang lahat. Mabawi lang ang sakit na idinulot ko.