23 - Hope
My hands didn't leave my notebook. I was staring at its cover since I closed it. Napansin kong sa mga pahina ay mayroon pang mga bakas ng luha. I don't know if it was mine or Mom's because she saw this notebook before.. when she knew about me and Zachary.. When Maddie told her all of it.
I never expected her to do it. I knew she liked him, but she had a boyfriend so I thought she moved on. I never thought of her ill. I respected her even if we weren't close. Maybe she loved Zachary more than I did.. It hurts to admit that someone out there loved him more than I did.. She loved him too much to go through that length. And it was the start of us being ruined.. I hope it was all worth it. Ngunit kahit na kailan ay ayokong maririnig ang istorya nilang dalawa. They might end up together, even married, but I don't want to hear any of it. I don't want to hear Zachary say that he's thankful for what she did because in the end, it's them who'll be together for the rest of their lives..
"Twenty days before the wedding.. Are you excited?"
"Of course, I am."
I pressed my lips together and traced the cover of the notebook. Bumuntong-hininga ako at sumandal sa sofa. The T.V. was on and Theo was watching an action movie. We barely even talked when he arrived. I sat in silence and he accepted it. His first words to me were about the wedding..
"What's that?"
I frowned"What?"
"The notebook you're holding."
Muling bumaba ang tingin ko sa journal. I shook my head and took the bag beside me to hide it. Sinundan niya iyon ng tingin. I don't even know why am I holding that in front of him.
"Just random notes.." I answered.
"Notes? You like taking notes?"
"I used to.."
Naging mahina ang sagot ko. A huge part of myself was left in the past and I know it now. Maybe that's why I feel non-existent in the present. Pakiramdam ko ay tinatangay lamang ako kung saan-saan. And I'd settle where the wind want me to.
"Julie.."
He cleared his throat and paused the movie. Lumipat siya sa sofa kung saan ako nakaupo upang makalapit. Lumakas ang kabog ng dibdib ko nang hawakan niya ang braso ko. Sari-sari pa rin ang tumatakbo sa isip ko kahit na dapat ay sigurado na ako.
"I'm sorry about the last time." he started.
"Let's not talk about it."
Pilit akong ngumiti at inabot ang remote upang iwasan ang usapan. The last time he's mentioned is when we went to Addie's birthday. Our fight was about inviting my friends to the wedding. I don't know why he wants them there.
"I want to talk about it. Kahit na maayos tayo, gusto ko pa ring pag-usapan. I don't understand why you acted that way.. They're your friends."
Pagak akong natawa. "You don't know that.."
"You told me they were. Zachary and Maddie are your friends, right? Addie, too."
Gusto kong mainis at pilitin siyang huwag nang ungkatin ang nangyari ngunit ayokong makipag-away ulit. He might think I'm having second thoughts in our wedding. I'm not.
"Listen, Theo.." I faced him. "I don't care about the fight anymore. I am sorry because I acted that way and I will do my best not to repeat it anymore. Can we move on and talk about us now?"
He sighed, still not understanding my words. Why can't he see that I am not comfortable with them? Why does he keep on pushing? Hindi ba halatang talagang ayoko? Bakit kailangan ko pang sabihin ang bawat nararamdaman ko? I want him to see it on his own!
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