Use me | chansung

🐍The beatles🐍

.Jisung's pov.

We walk to my bedroom and he stands awkwardly in the doorway, staring at me as I walk to the bed.

"Are you scared? Want me to check under the bed for monsters?" I say teasingly and he smiles, getting in the room.

"No, I'd check the closet, that's where the monsters really are"

"Chan the only thing in that closet is your sexuality" I chuckled and he gasped.

"You didn't go there..."

"I did" I sit on the bed and bite my lip.

"You'll regret that" he picks up a pillow and I scream while laughing as he throws it at me. I grab one as well and we starts to play fight, not hitting the other too hard, chuckling and smiling the whole time.

I end up pinning him on the bed and heavy breathing as we calm down. We're really close and we both seemed to have forgotten what brought us here.

He flips us around and gets the upper hand, his necklace dangling over my chest.

"I..." he starts. "Sort of wished we'd met differently..."

He gets off of me and crashes next to my place calmly, both of us looking at the ceiling.

"I think I would have just tried to sleep with you...like I did to anyone I met"

"What makes it different here?"

"I couldn't have you...I'd be crazy to want my kidnapper...so I didn't do anything"

"Coming out of the shower with a towel around your waist was 'not doing anything'?"

"Old habits?" I smile and he sighs.

"After I leave, do you think you'll fall back into it?"

"The moment I step out of that door..." I say in a whisper and he hears me, taking my hand.

"I worry for your health..." he speaks so softly, so lovingly.

"My health is just fine"

"Your mental health jisung...i mean, there must be a reason you need to do all of this..? Something you want to forget?"

"I don't want to talk about it"

"About what?"

I pause for a moment, what didn't I want to talk about? I couldn't even remember.

"I...don't know"

"Can I tell you something then?" He says and I nod, looking at him. "I used to go to school in psychology until I didn't have the money for it...I learned a lot in that time and there is something called dissociative amnesia"

"Dissociative amnesia...?"

"Yes, it's when someone blocks certains memories of their past because of trauma or stress... maybe that something is what makes you want to forget so badly that you do this to yourself...that you need distractions all of the time"

"If it's something that bad then I don't want to know what it is..."

"I could help you, maybe in the next two weeks that you will be here, we can talk it through"

"Why would I want to remember a painful memory?"

"I never said it was painful..."

I don't respond right away and look away. I don't know what I'm even speaking of, yet I don't want to know. It must be forgotten for a reason.

"Can't we just go to sleep? A horror movie was enough for me" I try to spin the conversation around, so I can stop thinking so much. I already want distractions.

"Of course we can, but remember we can talk if you need it"

"If I could run away from my problems for 19 years, I'll be fine, thanks"

"If you say so..."

"You only picked me because I looked desperate anyway...so I'll stay that way"

"I didn't pick you because of that..." he said and I turn to him, wanting to know more then anything else. "But you already knew that..."

"I want to know why you picked me that night..." I say and he turns to me finally, our faces were much closer then they've ever been, I could feel his breath on my lips and his hair laying against mine. "I mean, surely there was another girl, another guy, that is loved by all, has incredible grades and would never be forgotten. A person that would have search parties after them the second they don't return a call...I'm not that person. It takes one good look at me to know I'm a mess, that I'll always be a mess. So tell me, honestly Chan...why did you chose to take me?"

"I hate this town. I grew up here and I'm still stuck in the same place as years ago. So when I look at the people passing by everyday, looking down at our street with no lights, with our hanged clothes because we can't afford a drier, I hate them even more. Part of me hates them and the other parts wishes I could scoff when I pass this street, laugh at how I used to be, but I can't. So when I see this...look in your eyes, it's strong yet so soft. You didn't look down, you seemed curious, willing. I didn't look at you and see an enemy, I didn't see what I saw in everyone's eyes...I just saw you."

"Chan..." I felt my cheeks heat up as I say his name lowly, he doesn't take his eyes off of me.

"And I'm sorry you had to suffer because of my living situation...but I've done everything. I've sold my car, I've dropped school, worked every possible job on the market. It's still not enough. She's still sick, she hasn't woken up." He starts to tear up and I cup his face calmly, his eyes look so lost. "I-I don't know if I'll be able to save her in time..."

"We will...if we post the video, we're guaranteed to get money for it..." I feel a tear fall on my hand and Chan closed his eyes calmly.

"Let's hope..." he mumbled and I pull him close, so he lays on my chest.

"Let's post it tomorrow and we can see about the rest after...okay?" He nods against my chest and I feel this thing in my stomach, like a nervous feeling. I don't really understand what it is, it's so strong, especially when he's against my heart like this, it feels so good yet so aching.

"Thank you..." he says lowly and I lay my head on top of his.

We both fell asleep not long after that.