You are my soulmate | Han Jisung | ff

12

chapter 12

|Gone Away – Stray Kids|

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{HAN'S POV}

I seat down in my new hotel room; we are currently in Chicago. This is our third show in the US. It's been a blast to be surrounded by STAYs' but it's been also very challenging to keep pretending to be happy.

Ever since I broke up with Eunwoo I have been in my biggest depression yet. I haven't been eating properly, I haven't been working out like a should, and I haven't been having the energy to train like I'm supposed to. However, when I'm on stage I always pretend that I'm fine, that I'm healthy and happy. It takes a lot of self-control to not burst into tears every time we sing Gone Away. [a/n: the tour setlist in this book is not based on their setlist]

I miss her. Her voice, her laugh, her little ticks. I miss spending time with her. Watching her face light up when she sees me. I miss spending time together. Hell, I even miss just being in her apartment surrounded by her sent. I loved that sent. It was so sweet, and it engulfs you like a warm hug. I felt safe, and relaxed like I was in paradise.

I wish I could still be with her.

Every day I think about her. How can I not think? She was my everything. And because of me, we are apart now. We don't even speak. I told her "I don't want to see you ever again." Those harsh words came out of my mouth. I was completely conscious when I said them. I knew perfectly what I was saying, and I knew I didn't mean them, but I still said them. I still decided to break each other's hearts. To throw every ounce of happiness that we had into the trash. I broke our little safe bubble like it meant nothing when in reality it was the best thing that had happened to me in a long time.

I have always dreamt of meeting my soulmate since I was a little kid, I used to dream about it. To meet her or him and live a happy life with them. To love them and care for them. And when I finally had the opportunity to accomplish that dream I, I, was the one who decided to torn things apart. To make us suffer.

I can still remember her face very vividly every time I fall asleep. Her face when I said we needed to break up, that we were a mistake. I still regret those words. I spoke to them with so much determination that you would think they were my truth, my honest opinion. But they weren't. They still aren't. They were what the company wanted me to say, and I was so scared to lose everything that I didn't give myself space to think for myself. She asked me what I wanted, but I still refused to think on my own. I decided to do what the company expected of me. I was so stupid. I remember thinking that the whole night when I left her apartment.

That night I didn't sleep. I spent the whole night crying, locked in the dorm bathroom and ignoring everyone's words. I didn't want to listen to them, I just wanted to cry my pain out. I could feel her heartbreak, I could feel that I was the reason who caused it, and that made me break even harder.

These past few months haven't been easy. I remember going to her graduation and crying when I saw how beautiful she still looked. She was different, thinner, and looked more broken, but she still looked beautiful in my eyes. Like the most perfect human being that the earth had created. I remember that there were so many things I wanted to tell her, but I was a coward and didn't have the courage to say anything of what I had planned. So, I simply congratulated her and hugged her. And when she went back to her seat we left, we couldn't risk being seen there, it would cause a lot of rumours, and Eunwoo was right. I wasn't going to be the one who was going to be dealing with the negative comments, she was.