Let's hope for the best

Chapter 38: Not like other guys

* I thought I had thick skin, and an elastic heart/

but your blade, it might be too sharp*

When I woke up, I dragged myself back to the sofa. I felt as if I was floating on air. As if I was in some sort of nightmare. 

What had happened couldn't be true. There was something wrong with Theo: I was sure of it.

At first, the previous night, I had thought he was joking. Then, that something had happened, that I didn't know of, or didn't realize. And eventually, I decided that he must have just completely lost his mind.

There was no other possible explanation.

It had been too sudden, too crazy, for no apparent reason. And his behaviour was so weird, I had never seen anything like it.

I went through all the possibilities in my head. It could be a neurologic disease, again. Trauma, encephalitis, cancer. That was the worst-case scenario.

The best-case scenario, he was having some sort of nervous breakdown, because of overwork.

I started to feel guilt clawing me.

I shouldn't have worked that much.

I should have noticed that something wasn't right with Theo.

Maybe I hadn't noticed, because I was never home??

I felt like I wanted to slap myself. After what I had gone through in my life, hadn't I learned what really mattered in life, and what didn't??

Hadn't I learned to put my loved ones first? my family??

Sometimes, ok, work was essential. There were sick people needing me, and I couldn't turn my back on them.

But I still could have cut on the bullshit... Paperwork, filling in registers. Oblige every whim of our supervisors.

I could have cut some of that. Stayed home more.

Guilt started to smother me, but there was one thing I was sure of: I would have fixed things.

Whatever it was, I was gonna help Theo, I was gonna find a way to talk to him.

We'd get through it.

Together- as I promised.

For better or for worse, wasn't it?

....

I have no clear recollection of the time between that, and the following morning.

I don't think I slept.

I don't think I changed my clothes either, nor I ate anything.

I was pretty sure I started texting some friends again, and Daniel, asking if they had heard from Theo, and no one had- or at least, so they said.

I wrote a few WhatsApp messages to Theo, trying to sound reassuring. Restating that I was not angry with him, that I was available for him any time he'd want, to talk about what he was going through.

I was waiting to see the blue double check appear, but it never did.

He wasn't even opening them.

...

The following morning, I saw him again.

He came home. Opened the door with his keys. Found me in a trance on the sofa again, with the same lilac scrub I had been wearing for the past 36 hours.