from Time to Time | Lucius Malfoy

A sense of relief

1991

"You're not about to tell me that you married Abraxas Malfoy...  Lucius' father... that old bastard... in the past?" he slowly spoke. His eyes were stuck to the hands that rested in his lap. This was how he looked like when he felt worthless, used, and sad. Severus had been listening intently to my story, never interrupting me at all.

I looked at him as he sat there... a heap of misery. "Severus, I didn't marry him. I wouldn't be here then, would I?" I replied, putting my hand on his shoulder. He turned his head to me and said softly, barely audible: "Who knows what's to come..."

There's nothing more to come... That evening I ran away. My fear was too big.

Severus was still staring at his hands. "Does Lucius...I mean...how?" he started, but I cut him off. "No, Sev. He doesn't know. He thought his nanny had run away. His mummy abandoned him... I didn't want to confuse the boy and never clarified the matter. Still, I felt guilty and for weeks I continued visiting him in the past to... well... watch his life."

Severus looked at me in disbelief. He didn't seem to understand what I was talking about. "You went back to check on his life? What do you mean?" he finally said, raising an eyebrow. I shifted nervously in my chair and tugged at the fabric of my dress.

Maybe there's more to come...

When I came to think of it, the whole story sounded a little off. I wanted to get away, away from Abraxas, but I never wanted to get away from Lucius. I couldn't let go of him. My first night back to my normal time was horrific, I cried myself to sleep and couldn't stop thinking about the child. My child.

"I've been there, Severus. I've been there when he first got on the train to Hogwarts. I've been there when he graduated from school. I've been there when he married Narcissa, when they celebrated Draco's birth... his little dragon ... Lucius was... is... like a child to me, the son I never had. Do you understand that?"

Severus gave me a confused look. "The man is almost 38 years old. Even older than me. Older than you, Cait! How can he be some kind of child to you? Are you crazy?" he snapped. My thoughts raced. Of course he was right. I was 26 years old, a man in his almost 40s definitely couldn't be my son. But when I met little Lucius he was only 7 years old.

"Severus, all that happened in the last year. It's not that long ago for me, I loved that child like it was my own! I made a mistake, I stayed there way too long but it all felt right. I thought it was my destiny to find my happiness in the past. My family. You know I can't have children on my own. For me it was a twist of fate - a mother who had no children and a child that had no mother found each other in a roundabout way. It could have been perfect... That horrible man destroyed everything!" I blurted out.

"He died last year. Calm down," Severus replied dryly. A feeling of relief spread through me again. My biggest concern was that I would see Abraxas again today, thank Merlin I won't. "Do you think Lucius will recognize me?" I asked my fiancé, my voice shaking. "Cait, I've known Lucius for over 20 years and the nanny-affair kept coming up every now and there... so I guess we all have to thank you for his fucked up relationship towards women."

What? But he was so happy with Narcissa and then there was Draco... Hadn't I seen everything on my short visits? "Terrible- what? What do you mean? He's married, he has a child, he turned out pretty well I think..." I muttered to myself but Severus just shook his head. "Parents don't know everything their offspring are up to. Even less so when they're not around and just dropping in every few years. Cait, Lucius and Narcissa were promised to each other, a typical pureblood marriage where the parents suited the spouses. Narcissa and Lucius like each other, they are good friends, but lovers? No. Draco is the outcome of a task that both mastered brilliantly. Can't imagine what Abraxas would have done if it had been a girl... As you know I have a special gift when it comes to potions so I've been involved in the whole process too..." He didn't meet my eyes. His words hit me hard.

"He wasn't...is...not happy? Potions? I don't understand..." I stuttered and grabbed his hand. "Cait, a girl would not have been accepted as their. Narcissa has two sisters, not a single brother. She was too afraid that she would have a girl. Lucius asked me for help and together we searched for a potion that would reveal the gender of the child. Our research took 3 years so Draco didn't come right after the wedding either. Needless to say he didn't touch Narcissa during all that time. She was very relieved when we gave her the potion and well... the marriage then was finally consummated and a male heir could be produced. But that didn't bring the two closer in the end. They not only sleep in separate rooms but also on separate floors. No, Cait. Lucius is not happy . But he's making the best out of his situation. He loves his son, Draco is a sweet boy... you'll meet him today, he starts school this year."

I was terribly close to tear up. Those were all things I didn't know. Lucius always looked so happy to me... His life seemed to be perfect... Of course he would have cried when I left but he would have gotten over it and then he came to Hogwarts and made friends... Hadn't I seen everything on my numerous trips back to his childhood?