Khudgarzi

29

"Ayla bacchay, please Pakistan aa jao", she said whilst crying
(Ayla my child, please come back to Pakistan)

"And why would I? I have no one there", I said, whilst giving myself a pep talk to not cry and show them that I'm not weak

"Ayla, ammi passed away last night, her janaza is in two days, akhri baar dekhnay aa jao", she croaked out
(Ayla, mom passed away last night, her funeral is in two days, come see her for the last time)

"Kya", I managed to say weakly
(What?)

And all I could hear was constant sobbing on the other side,

"I'll be right there", I said and hung up

Why? Why must I go through such pain everytime. The minute I feel as if life is looking up for me, it goes right back where I started. I picked up my phone and booked a direct flight with no layovers to Pakistan. I was to leave at 8pm that night and it was going to take me 13 hours to reach Pakistan. I packed a bag with my absolute essentials and made my way to the airport. I waited there for a while and soon the plane started boarding and I was enroute to Pakistan.

Standing infront of the house I grew up in, brought tears in my eyes. The swing in the lawn alone had a million memories, I could hear myself tell abbu to push me on it faster and ammi scolding him because I might get dizzy. The stairs that led the way up to the main door reminded me of all the times I'd fall from them whenever I'd get late. The terrace to the house, where ammi would oil my hair every Saturday morning after abbu would leave for office.

I couldn't control my tears and I burst out crying. I couldn't bring myself to go inside and face everyone, because to them I was the badtameez daughter who had brought shame to the family. If only, everyone knew the truth.
(badtameez-rude)

"Ayla beta is that you", I heard a voice full of pain

I looked up to see my abbu, his eyes full of tears and he was looking directly at me. For the first time in my life, I didn't know what to say so I just looked down, when I felt something I hadn't felt in years, the loving embrace of my father. He hugged me and without hesitation, the little girl in me who craved her father's love hugged back. We both cried in each other arms for a long time and it was filled with him profusely apologizing to me. I didn't say a word because even though I love him more than anything, he had hurt me really badly with his words and actions.

He directed me inside the house and I was instantly hit with the familar scent of our house. I had missed this. Abbu asked me to go my room and as soon as I walked in it, I could see that it hadn't been touched since I had left. My reading books were all there, my past paper booklets from A Levels, no one had touched anything. On my side table was a picture of me and my parents on my 18th birthday of them kissing me on my cheek.

Taking a hold on that picture frame, I picked it up and hugged it. Why couldn't life go back to the way it was, why couldn't this all be a bad dream and I just wake up and everything is normal and this never happens, I so wish to have led a normal life. Hugging that picture frame, I went to sleep crying and missing ammi. I woke up after a while to some commotion around the house, I checked my phone and it was the day of the janaza.

I didn't want to go down just yet, so I started arranging my room, whilst in my mind, I could hear ammi scolding me for whenever, I had a messy room. She would say, "saaf kar rahi hou, ya main tumhari saas kou bulaon", giving a slight chuckle at ammi's words, I felt my heart clench, it really hurt. No matter if you're 20 or if you're 80, losing a parent would still hurt the same. I was going through the drawers of my writing table when one got stuck, I tried opening it and it flung right open and it contained an envelope.
(Are you cleaning up your room or should I call your mother in law)

A/N: This is basically a taunt that every desi mom gives to her daughter lmaooo