𝐀𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐖𝐨𝐫𝐥𝐝 𝐅𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐬 : 𝐉𝐨𝐞𝐥 𝐌𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐞𝐫

-Vicious Cycle-

Boston QZ, 2019

"I think I'm gonna head down to the market," I tell Anna. She's sitting on the couch with baby Ellie, rocking her to sleep. "See if they have any more onesies." We've been switching between the same two for the past three months. She gets them dirty so quick, I'm washing them constantly and it's driving me crazy.

Anna doesn't look over to acknowledge me, her eyes glazed over. Was she even listening? "Anna," I drawl in a sing-song voice. "Are you okay?"

She blinks, "Huh?" Her green eyes meet mine, but she still looked bewildered, like she didn't even know where she was. "Yeah, I'm fine."

My brows pinched together – something was wrong, but I wasn't going to question it now. I only had about an hour before the market shut down for the day. "Uh, okay. I'll be back." I say, putting on my jacket. Anna only nods in response.

With my hands in my pockets, I keep my head down most of the way. It's about a ten-minute walk and by the time I get there, everything is mostly cleared out. I approach an elderly woman, all bundled up in warm clothing, "Hi, Lorraine."

Under rosy cheeks and wrinkles, Lorraine smiles, "Hello, dear. How are you?" Her voice shakes slightly, maybe from the cool air, maybe from her age.

I smile in return, "I'm good. Very cold." I laugh softly, and so does she.

"Yes, that winter weather is coming quick. What can I do for you?"

My eyes scan the table in front of me. Nothing but gloves and hats. Lorraine sewed and knit clothes and blankets for the QZ. No one knows where she finds all the supplies to do so, but no one was complaining either. And she never asked for anything in return. If it was anyone else, they'd be asking for ration cards or other supplies. But not Lorraine. I've never met anyone like her.

"I was hoping you had a couple of onesies to spare." The corner of my mouth dipped downwards, "But, looks like they wiped you clean today."

The woman wags her finger, "Don't lose hope yet, dear." Slowly, she reaches under her table and comes back up with a bag, "I've got everything for you right here. A couple of onesies, some burp towels, and another blanket." It was a combination of pink, yellows, and blues. One onesie was long sleeves and the blanket looked fluffy and warm.

"Lorraine," I say in utter surprise. "I - I can't accept this."

The woman throws her hand out in front of her, twisting her face, "Oh, hush, now. You can and you will. I love that little baby of yours." Without even thinking, I go into my backpack and take out my remaining ration cards for the week. If I had more, I would have gladly given her those too. I extend my hand out with pleading eyes, silently begging her to take them. But Lorraine was stubborn, I wasn't shocked that she declined.

"Get those things out of my face."

I shake my head adamantly, "No, please. Take them. You need them more than I do."

She sighed. "Ruth, you're a growing girl. I am an old woman. I don't need those silly cards." Her fragile hands reach up, wrapping around my own, "My only request is you bring Ellie around a little more. I'd like to see her."

Exhaling deeply from my nose, I take the bag handles and offer her a small smile, "Deal." I make it seem like I was going to walk away, and she turns just long enough for me to slip the ration cards onto the table. Before she notices, I disappear into the crowd rushing back home.

Before I even open the door, I can hear the shrill cries of Ellie inside. Worried, I open it, finding Ellie in her makeshift bassinet, alone. I quickly close and lock the door behind me, then go to the baby, taking her in my arms.

"Shh, shh, it's alright." I look around for my sister and she's nowhere to be found, "Anna?" I go down the hallway, checking the bathroom. When that was empty, I went to her room, "Anna, you in here?" I push open the door revealing its messy state. Junk was strewn around the floor and the bed was unmade. I step in, eyes wandering. Her bag was gone. I open the drawer on the nightstand by her bed. Her gun was gone too.

"No fucking way." I fall onto the edge of the bed, on the verge of tears. She can't have left. She wouldn't have. Not after she promised. She promised.

I thought everything was better. I thought that we were okay. We were supposed to be a family. Small coos cause me to look down at the baby in my arms. So small, so innocent. Tears start to slide down my cheeks. How am I supposed to do this on my own? I can't do this on my own. I don't know how.

I lift my gaze and look out the window. There was a full moon, its light shining in. I found myself questioning what could have led to this. What could have been the reason my sister was so determined to leave me and now, her daughter, behind? As if we were a couple of nobodies. What was out there that was more important than us? The Fireflies? They were criminals, lawbreakers. What makes them so damn special? What makes Anna think she's some kind of leader? She's barely a sister or a mother. Does she think she's going to become a hero? That she can set us free and cure the world?

She's an idiot. Blinded by people like Marlene. Blinded by "the light." And now I'm back to where I was. Alone. Scared. And left with caring for a baby that isn't even mine.

Wherever my sister is, I hope she stays there. Because if she ever shows up on my doorstep again – I don't know what I'll do.