Love Candidate | BTS FANFICTION

Love Candidate - Bad Dreams - Chapter 27

Trigger Warning: Suicide and Suicidal Thoughts.

Flashback: Before Jiyoung committed suicide.

Seokjin clutched firmly onto my hips to hold me against the front door as he softly traced his lips over mine in a soothing tempo. I gripped his shirt with a stiff response as he sucked out my breath until I completely ran out of oxygen. I muffled in difficulty against his lips when Seokjin refused to give me a break from the draining make-out session. He suddenly halted when he noticed I was struggling to keep up with his kissing marathon. I nervously opened my eyes to stare at his rosy cheeks as he gently pulled away to gaze at me. Seokjin lowered his gaze to my soaked lips again. I'm struggling to regulate my labored breathing! This is embarrassing!

"Do you want me to come in with you?" Seokjin whispered, gently rubbing my moist lips with his thumb before lifting his tempted eyes to mine. He wants me to invite him inside? Does he want to hook up again???

"You should go home," I shook my head, slightly dazed by his assertiveness. I didn't know Seokjin is a dominant man. Maybe he has been holding back all these times.

"Okay. Good night," Seokjin muttered, gently kissing me to bid his goodbye. I nervously nodded after receiving his overwhelming affection before turning to enter my house as he stood in the doorway with his gaze fixed on me. I weakly smiled, locked the door, and stood anxiously by the door until I heard Seokjin striding away.

A surge of remorseful emotion suddenly tore through my chest as I slowly walked toward the living room, heavily slumping on it to lay down until a flood of tears streamed down my cheeks. What's going on with me!? I feel so trapped! Appa- is this what you want for me!? I violently grabbed my own hair and thrashed on the couch in distress. I've lost control of my life! I gripped my fists in anger, hastily launching onto my feet and stormed up to my room to yank the drawer open.

"WAE? WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT FROM ME!? ISN'T IT ENOUGH NOW? WHY DID YOU HAVE TO TAKE AWAY THE PERSON I LOVE!? WAE?! YOU'RE DEAD SO STOP INTERFERING WITH MY LIFE! YOUR FUCKING ANGEL STALKER WILL NOT MAKE ME FEEL BETTER!" I screamed angrily at appa's picture until another jolt of pain thumped against my aching chest. My lips began trembling the longer I stared at appa's cheerful smile, suddenly dropping to the floor in defeat with a loud thud. I thought I could be happy! For once! I found the right person- and you took him away from me! It's unfair! It's my life, so why am I being restricted like this?! I shakily sobbed in agony as I clenched onto appa's photograph when I felt my head spinning like a whirlpool from the extreme anguish. How can I live like this? I don't have the energy to fight for my life. I grew super exhausted after bleeding my remaining energy to my despair and fell asleep on the cold floor. I woke up the next day with a dreadful soreness all over my body. My eyes were too puffy to even open properly, and my throat felt like sandpaper due to the scarcity of moisture. I went downstairs to cook the single pack of ramen I found in the dusty cabinet... but couldn't eat it, so I dumped it in the sink and headed back to my room. I don't feel like eating or drinking, and my stomach is upset.

I thought a shower would relieve the depressing hollowness in my chest, but it wouldn't go away no matter what I did. As a matter of fact, it made me feel even more awful. I gloomily sat on the bed edge to stare at the photograph of Taehyung kneeling before me in the snowy park with my tearful eyes. I took the picture from Seokjin's room. It was the only picture I wanted to keep, so I brought it home. I stared at the captured moment in grief as the beautiful memories filled my mind. The warmth... the love... our love... his smile and jaw-dropping visual... it's all so blurry now. But I can still feel his presence... somewhere... in my cold heart.

"I'm sorry," I whispered as unconscious tears slipped down my cheeks. I took your love for granted, Taehyung-ah. The reason I'm in this much pain... is because I'm guilty. I took our relationship for granted. I'm a bad person and I'm terribly sorry for using you to hurt your older brother. I've never admitted to it... but the reason... I agreed to accept your love because I wanted to get back at Seokjin. I took you for granted. That's the truth. I liked you. I did, but I was uncertain about my feelings. I didn't know if it was purely love between us or if I enjoyed sleeping with you.