summer child // joshler

39

josh's point of view

i wake up with tyler snoring softly next to me. i pull him closer, relishing in the feeling of his skin against mine. it's a peaceful moment, with the sun slipping in the small cracks in my blinds, the smell of tyler's shampoo in my nose, and the undisturbed quietness like a blanket over the room.

i wish i could have this every morning. i'd like to think that someday i could. i imagine it every day, endless domestic scenarios flooding my mind every night as i lay down to sleep.

tyler said i make everything seem easy. i wanted to tell him that it is, that it is easy for me to love him. it's so natural, like it was there the whole time, hidden underneath my outer layers and waiting for me to excavate it. even when i'm scared, it's still easy. his hand in mine, my lips on his, his head on my chest. it's all second nature to me now, like my first language was learned only to tell him i love him and everything else came after.

i think about it extending on into infinity. i think about packing our things together and leaving for college. doing homework together, drinking coffee in the middle of the night while we study for finals.

i think about moving into an apartment together, shopping for furniture and then building it all by myself because tyler doesn't know the difference between a phillips-head and a flathead screwdriver. folding laundry together and throwing socks at each other, laughter filling the room. cooking dinner and dancing to the soft music we'd have playing while we wait.

even further out, i imagine us getting married, having our first dance to a song tyler handpicked from one of the dozens of playlists i've made him. leaving frosting on each other's noses, our cheeks pink from happiness and champagne.

i see us adopting a child, bringing them home and watching the baby in their crib, both of us unable to tear our eyes away.

i want to believe he wants that too, that he wants a life with me beyond high-school. sometimes, i'll look over and see him staring at me, and i'll see that life in his eyes, like he's thinking the same things.

i'm just not sure. i dont know if he's sure yet and i don't know how long im going to have to wait, or if it'll ever come at all.

but it's hard to force myself to care when here, in this moment, and in my lavender scented imagination, it feels so perfect.

-

sitting with adam in art on monday, we're starting on a new project already.

"so, how was your break?" adam asks, sketching his outline carefully.

"it was alright. i didn't do much. i saw some of my mom's family on thanksgiving, saw tyler a couple times."

"ah. okay." he nods once, shutting down at the mention of tyler.

we don't really make much conversation after that, staring down at our individual pieces. the class goes by quickly once we're focused on our projects and afterwards, we walk to our next class together.

i see tyler and a few other members from the basketball team walking down the hallway towards us. i make eye contact with tyler and he smiles a little at me. as they walk past, one of his teammates brushes past me. it's not like he meant to push me, but i'm not invisible. it made me stumble back a step or two and i hear tyler sigh as they walk away.

"some friend, huh?" adam speaks from next to me, unimpressed as we resume our path to our science class.

"you don't know him like i do." i shrug a little, but i can't say it didn't hurt my feelings. i do wish he would've said something, anything at all.