summer child // joshler

14

tyler's point of view

the weekend after josh's birthday, blake texted me asking if i wanted to go to a bonfire at his house with the rest of the team.

i agreed, mainly because i couldn't think of an excuse to say no.

i pull up to his house, cringing at the memory of throwing up in the front yard not that long ago.

i let myself in and head through the house to the backyard where most of the other boys are already sitting around a fire, roasting marshmallows and sipping from bottles of beer. doesn't seem like the best combination to me, but i don't say anything.

i take a seat in one of the empty chairs and we all exchange hello's.

they go back to their conversation shortly after, talking about who knows what.

i zone in and out, letting myself become a bit lost in my thoughts. i really don't want to be here. i'd much rather be with josh, sitting up on the roof and smoking or sitting in his room and playing video games.

i used to love this when i first joined the team. i loved being included. i loved the popularity that came with playing a sport. i liked that so many people knew my name, all the people who'd say 'hey' to me in the hallway and all the people who would talk to me in class. i think i sort of let it envelope me in a way that sealed up who i was before, locked it away. lately, both of them have been bleeding together, leaving me more confused than ever with everything else going on.

i'm snapped off of this train of thought when blake says my name.

"so, tyler, why did you bring that weirdo to the party?" he asks, finishing his beer and dropping the glass to the ground.

"community service?" carter laughed at his own joke, several other boys joining in.

"because he's my friend."

i meant what i said to josh. i'm not embarrassed by him and i really don't care what these people think anymore. we have one year left in school and i don't know what i'll do after that, but i know whatever i choose won't involve seeing any of them ever again.

"why the hell would you be friends with a loser like that? come on. is his mom hot or something?" blake pushes, opening another drink.

"we are your friends, tyler," carter adds.

no, not really.

"we've known each other forever, it has nothing to do with his mom. you guys are gross." i roll my eyes." i mean, can i not be friends with him and all of you guys?"

"alright, alright. whatever, man," blake gives me a strange look and starts up another conversation.

after awhile, their talk shifts to making fun of some kid that i don't know. of course it does. we're not even in school and they're still on this shit.

"so then i was like, 'get up, faggot. this is my seat and i won't say it again.' kid was basically pissing his fucking pants." blake tells the story and finishes his second beer, dropping the glass down with the first and reaching to grab a third.

it makes me feel uncomfortable when he says the f word. it ties a knot in my stomach and makes me angry. the kid they were talking about was a freshman. he didn't know that blake sat there. he was new. and what did his sexuality have to do with it anyway? would they act like that towards me if i came out? not that i'm gay... i don't know what i am and if i think about it much longer i'll have a panic attack.

"do you have to use that word?" i speak up, my hand in a tight fist in my lap.

blake looks at me as if i've grown another head. "are you fucking kidding me?"

"dude, why do you care? you're being weird tonight." carter says. always so quick to defend blake. maybe he's gay.

"that freak's lameness is rubbing off on you, joseph," blake scoffs.

"no, man. a little over a year from now, we'll be starting college. being a bully gets fucking old, man. grow up." i stand up and leave after that, ignoring whatever shit they start talking about me while i walk away.

in my car, i feel my eyes well up with tears and as soon as i'm off of his street, i let them fall. they're hot down my cheeks and my hands grip the steering wheel tightly.

i don't know why the idea of being gay seems like a worst case scenario to me, why i'm so against it. i guess it's just... different. it's foreign to me, something i've never thought about until this summer. i don't know what that would mean for me. it's not like i'd ever come out to anyone. i don't think i'd ever feel comfortable enough with myself to do that.

but then i think of josh.

and it doesn't seem so bad.

but then i feel even worse. i can't think of him that way. i just got my friend back, i can't fuck it up again. and this would mess everything up, i'm sure of it. it would ruin this, just like i ruin everything else.

i pull into my driveway and go straight to my room, stripping down to my boxers and getting straight into bed.

i eventually stop crying, wiping furiously at my face. there's not even anyone in the room with me and i'm humiliated.

he definitely doesn't feel the same way about me, whatever that means. he's had a boyfriend before. i would never be able to compare to whoever it was. i'd never be able to give him the type of relationship he would want or deserve.

and fuck, why am i even still thinking about this? about josh?

why is this happening?

(an: ah yes. gay panic identity crisis. dont worry. the joshler content is coming. soon.)