summer child // joshler

19

tyler's point of view

"just because you stopped being my friend doesn't mean i stopped being yours."

a piece of me breaks at those words. i feel terrible. he told me i didn't ruin anything, but i don't know if i believe him.

i take a breath. "can we go to the roof?"

josh seems a bit confused but nods all the same. "oh. uh... sure."

we stand up and i lead us to my backyard where we climb up to the roof again.

here goes nothing.

"so, you said i can ask you whatever?" i start, trying to formulate the right words to say and the right order to put them in.

"oh. right. yeah, okay." he says, sitting facing me with his legs crossed.

"it's just... it's hard for me to talk about stuff, like... about myself. so, maybe talking to you and hearing you talk instead will help."

"that makes sense. go ahead. i'm an open book." he offers me a small smile, all soft eyes and pink lips.

"how did you, um... how did you know that you were gay?" i start with a somewhat big question, one that i'm obviously working out for myself.

"well, i think i kind of mentioned it last time. when i had those girlfriends, they just... felt like friends. it was nice, but it wasn't what i thought relationships should be. i'd had a crush on a boy before i dated one, but i didn't really think about it that way until i got my first boyfriend," he pauses, thinking for a second, "it just felt... right. it felt better."

i let that sink in for a moment, remembering how i felt when i kissed him. right.

"does your mom know?" i decide to ask next.

"yeah, she does. she was supportive for the most part when i came out. she's just more of a 'don't ask, don't tell' type."

i appreciate how honest he's being, how he's not making me feel like any of it is weird or that i shouldn't ask these things. he really is a good friend and i'd hate to lose him again. i think it just might kill me.

"did you ever..." i pause and swallow hard, "um... you know... do anything..?"

"oh." josh shakes his head, "no, no, no. we didn't get that far. we didn't date for very long."

"oh," is all i say. i think knowing that makes me feel... better? i'm not sure how to feel or if it should make me feel any way at all.

"alright, ty. i answered a few questions. you gotta give me something now. what's going on up there?" he pokes my forehead gently, his voice still calm and kind.

i tell him about the bonfire, about how i stood up to them, about how they made me think of my dad.

"i just," i stop and will the tears forming in my eyes to disappear, "i don't ever want to end up like him," i admit. my attempt to hold back the tears fails and i feel a few slide down my cheek.

"tyler, you couldn't be like him if you tried." he brings his hand up to wipe one of the tears away from my cheek.

his touch is warm and careful and god, i want to kiss him again.

"where does that leave me though?" i'm whispering now, scared to speak much louder.

josh just keeps that small smile on his face. "next to me."

"and what about when you leave for college? i don't know what i want to do, where i want to go, any of that stuff," i admit, my voice raising a bit in volume now. it's shaky and embarrassing. i clear my throat and let my eyes rest on his lips when the eye contact becomes too much.

"tyler, you can go wherever you want. you-"

"do you remember when we were eleven and we talked about running away?" i interrupt him.

"well, yes, but i don't think-"

"and do you remember in eighth grade when we had to research colleges and careers and create a five year plan?"

"yes." he gives up on saying anything else, answering my question with one word.

"you were part of mine. all over it. i didn't think we'd ever grow up or apart. and i-i dont know who i am anymore. that's fucking terrifying. so much is happening and i don't know how to deal with any of it. all i know that when i'm with you, it doesn't seem so scary." my words fall out of my mouth one after the other before i can stop them. it's a confession i didn't particularly plan on making, but not one i want to take back.

he doesn't say anything for a moment and i feel my stomach drop. it was too much. i've scared him away. he's going to leave. he won't want to talk to me anymore.

my mind starts to race and i feel my chest tighten with anxiety. i open my mouth to say something, though i'm not even sure what.

and then, he kisses me.

(an: another lil kiss)