summer child // joshler

33

josh's point of view

the first month of school goes by much faster than i thought it would.

the days follow a similar routine and begin to blur together. wake up, run, shower, get ready, eat, pick up adam, go to school, stare at tyler during lunch and text him every time i get the chance, drop adam off at home, come home and do homework with tyler at one of our houses (usually mine), then just lay around and hang out together.

he still sleeps over sometimes but he refuses to carpool with me, which i guess i understand. he hasn't quite been ignoring me, which i'm grateful for. our paths just don't cross very often. i know he's still not figured everything out and that he's not ready to come out or anything, but i can't lie and say it doesn't sting a little bit, having to watch him from afar, to watch him lose himself slowly. he stays wrapped up in his thoughts during lunch, staring down at his food or off into space every day.

we're on his roof at the moment, his head on my chest as we watch the clouds drift above us.

"i'm nervous." he speaks so quietly that i barely hear him.

"what about?"

"basketball season starts soon, which means games start soon. i always get anxious about them." he takes my hand and plays with my fingers, something he's picked up in exchange of his habit of rubbing his wrist with his thumb.

"i'm sure it'll be fine, ty. you guys are really good," i reassure him, as i always do.

"will you come to my games?" he cranes his neck to look up at me.

"do you want me to?"

he nods and smiles sheepishly. "i do, yeah."

"are you sure..?"

i'm sure the rest of the team wouldn't even notice my attendance at a game, but i would've thought tyler would be paranoid about it anyway.

"i'm sure."

"then i'll be there."

i'm not sure if he understands the gravity behind that. i guess it might not mean anything to him, but that's a big step.

i find myself wondering then if maybe one day soon he will be ready, if he'll ever say anything to his team. i'd love for him to be comfortable enough to come out, to hold his hand in the hall and sit at a table with him at lunch, kissing his cheek when the teacher on duty isn't looking. i'd never rush him though. this is his journey and i want to support him through every step of it.

there's always the possibility that he'll never get there though, that we'll always just be friends who kiss and say 'i love you' and have sex. it was only the once and i was absolutely terrified he regretted it after, but it was nice to hear him say he didn't. it was amazing and intimate and even a little awkward at points. i definitely don't think about it all the time or anything though...

"you okay?" tyler asks, sitting up a little. "you look like you're doing the thing i do."

"which is..?"

"getting stuck up in your head." he smiles a little and i sit up with him.

here it goes.

"tyler, i know that i said i would wait for you to figure things out. and you've made a lot of progress and i'm really proud of you. i just... i need to know if this is something you're serious about." i answer honestly, glad to have at least a little bit off my chest.

"what do you mean? if i'm serious about what..?"

"i love you, ty. i know that it's scary for you, to feel that way and to hear me say that. and you're still kind of exploring this. i get that and i am still here in any way you need me to be, but if i'm just going to be a stepping stone then i need to know." i feel my chest tighten in fear of his answer.

his face falls to a soft sadness, like he was expecting this, like he's done something wrong. it makes me want to eat the words, to shove them back into my mouth, hide them under my tongue, and pretend i never said them.

"josh, i'm not just, like... using you to 'explore myself' or whatever. i love you. and you're right, it is scary, for a lot of reasons. i'm not ready to go around telling anyone anything yet, and i'm sorry," he pauses, thinking of how to word his next sentences. "but when it's just me and you, i feel like it's not so scary, like i will be able to do that one day. you make me feel safe enough to want to do that and... i'm not really sure where to go from here. i mean, i know we've done a lot of this in the wrong order, but like you said, we make the rules, right?" he looks at me like there's nothing else to look at, like there's nothing more important than this.

i'm so fucking proud of him. the feeling in my chest shifts from anxiety to an overwhelming sense of love. i want to shout it from the rooftops, from this rooftop specifically. i don't want to have to hide and i know tyler isn't ready yet, but the fact that he's sitting in front of me saying he will be one day is enough for now.

i lean forward and kiss him with all the breath i have, only pulling away when my phone rings.

"it's my mom, hold on." i tell tyler, giving him one last kiss before answering. "hello?"

"hey, sweetie! where are you?"

"i'm at tyler's. sorry, i guess i forgot to mention it."

"oh! do you boys want pizza? i was about to order some and was calling to see if you'd had dinner yet."

i turn to tyler. "wanna come over for pizza?"

"hell yeah."

-

tyler sits next to me at the table with my mom across from us.

"thank you for the pizza, miss laura," tyler says, taking a slice from the box.

"no problem! don't even thank me." she smiles and takes a couple for herself. "how is school going for you boys?"

"good." i answer for both myself and tyler, hoping she leaves it at that but knowing she won't.

"do you know where you're going to study yet, tyler?"

fuck.

i drop one hand under the table to squeeze his knee, hoping it comforts him at least a little bit.

"um, no, i'm not sure yet." he offers her a weak smile. "i've been thinking about being a math teacher but i don't really know. i always sorta assumed i'd go wherever josh did. we've never not gone to the same school." his cheeks are dusted a light pink color by the time he's done.

"well, i'm sure wherever you go you'll get in on a basketball scholarship. your mom says you're an excellent player." she smiles brightly back at him, probably unaware of how badly that could've gone.

"oh, yeah. i was going to invite you to my first game. you don't have to come but i know my mom gets bored going by herself."

"id love to."

"i'll also be there," i chime in, feeling like i've been quiet for too long.

"thank you, it really means a lot." tyler looks over to me and god, i just want to kiss him all over.

"i wouldn't miss it for the world."

(an: this chapter was. a lot. but also kinda boring and poorly written. imo. idk, im having a bad day. i hope youre all well!)