summer child // joshler

23

tyler's point of view

"no, but this is... quite a bit different."

"oh... yeah, i guess."

i don't see how it's much different at all, but i don't want to make anything worse. i feel awkward, embarrassed, and just... disappointed.

i wonder if josh would react badly if i told him i had feelings for him. i'm not even sure what the feelings i have are or what they mean, but he seems uncomfortable with the idea of adam liking him so i'm scared to even risk it...

or maybe he meant that it's different because he feels the same way? that might just be wishful thinking, though i'm not sure how i would handle that either.

maybe he thinks it's different because we've kissed? maybe he doesn't even know how i feel at all and i'm being overdramatic. i wouldn't put it past him i guess.

i glance over at him without turning my head. he's so close but so far at the same time. everything just... makes sense when he's with me. this, laying here, makes sense. and fuck, i want to hold his hand.

i inch my hand towards his slowly, taking it in mine when they touch. i hold his hand, just like i wanted to, and josh squeezes gently, reassuring as always.

i feel my eyes water a little. he makes everything so easy, which makes everything else so much more complicated.

"josh," i pause, clearing my throat and reveling in the safety that holding his hand brings me, "i-im really scared. you're my best friend and-and i'm going through a lot right now." i take a shaky breath. "my feelings don't, um... make sense to me anymore. i don't know what they are or what to do with them. i don't even know where to start to deal with them in general, but i really appreciate you being there for me.

"so, i'm sorry if i'm annoying you because it's taking so long or whatever. it's hard for me to even talk about this stuff but i just... i lost my dad first and now i feel like i'm losing myself right at the time i'm supposed to be figuring it all out. everyone else seems to know what they want, career wise and life wise, and i just feel like... like i don't belong anywhere anymore except for with you." the words spew out of my mouth quickly and i feel out of breath by the time i'm done, anxiety making my chest tight. i close my eyes and wait for his answer.

josh sits up but doesn't let go of my hand. "tyler, i know that this can be really hard and really scary. but even allowing yourself to be vulnerable and talk about it is a big step. it shows that you are making progress because youre pushing past that fear anyway. i'm really proud of you. and i meant it when i said i'd be here and do whatever i can. i meant that because you're my best friend too. i care about you and i've been where you are. i had to do it alone, but i don't want you to have to. you can take all the time in the world. and if you feel like you belong next to me, then you're welcome to stay there as long as you need," he finishes and i open my eyes, a few tears falling in the process.

i look up at him for a moment and then sit up, leaning forward to press a soft kiss to his lips. now that i'm allowed to do that, i don't think i ever want to stop.

i pull away after a few moments but stay close to him, admiring all the small details of his face.

a few freckles sprinkled across his cheeks. his eyes warm and brown and caring. his lips soft and pink and tempting. his hair a mess of dark chocolate curls on top of his head.

i bring my hands up to frame his face, brushing both of my thumbs across his cheekbones. "thank you, josh."

he leans forward to kiss me again in reply, his lips moving slowly against mine. it sends butterflies through my stomach and paints a blush on my cheeks. it's everything a kiss should be and more. i want this forever.

this is how it should feel.

i think.

(an: sweet lil babies just love each other so much. next chapter is adam confrontation. shoutout to tylerjjoseph- my bestie and biggest supporter 🥳 )