summer child // joshler

16

tyler's point of view

"tyler?" josh's voice comes from beside me but i'm facing away from him.

"yeah, j?" i answer, my voice quiet.

"i'm really glad we did this."

"me too."

my heart beats loudly in my chest and i can't pinpoint why. even here, away from everything, i still feel the difference between us. it's not quite tension, and it's probably one-sided, but i feel like something has shifted, like the air in my lungs is heavier now and i can't help but want to stare at him.

i give in and turn to my other side to see that he's turned to face me as well, his eyes closed and his breathing deep. i let myself look at him, taking him in for a moment before i feel too creepy. i sigh and roll over onto my back, my mind full and busy until i eventually fall asleep.

-

i'm sitting in one of the folding chairs outside of the tent, eating a pack of poptarts and staring out at the nature around us. josh walks back from the bathrooms, taking a seat next to me and grabbing a pack for himself. he opens the foil and we eat together in comfortable silence.

when we're both finished, josh throws our trash away at the trashcan nearby and then stands in front of me.

"yes..?" i look up to him, slightly confused.

"let's go swimming," he holds his hand out to help me up. i stare at it.

"right now?"

"yeah. it's early enough that not too many people should be in the water just yet. come on," he shakes his hand where its held out to me, gesturing for me to take it.

"fine." i grab his hand and let him help me up.

"you wanna change first?"

"sure, thanks." i say, stepping into the tent. i zip it closed and fish my swim trunks out of my backpack, changing out of my normal shorts and into them.

when i walk out, josh switches with me and i wait outside while he changes. when he comes back out, he's grabbed us both towels.

"you forgot this," he tosses mine to me and i nod.

"right, sorry. yeah. thanks." i mumble, feeling embarrassed even though i really have no reason to.

"it's no big deal, t. come on," he leads the way and we make the short walk to the lake.

he stops at the edge and takes his shoes off. i watch as he removes his shirt next, unable to pull my eyes away from the way the muscles in his back move as he does so. he sets the shirt and his towel aside and then walks into the water, going all the way out to where it meets his shoulders.

"you coming in?" he turns when he notices i still haven't made any move to get in the water yet. he runs a hand through his hair.

"right, sorry. i'm just kinda scared. is it cold?" i speak a bit louder so he can hear me, even more embarrassed now that he's definitely noticed me staring.

i find myself wondering if i'd be like this if it were anyone else in front of me, if my cheeks would still be bright red and if my mouth would still be dry. i try to imagine how i'd feel if it were a girl, but i don't feel... anything. and that scares me.

"no, feels great. get in here or i'll come push you!" he smiles and waves me forward.

i take a breath and take my shoes and shirt off, leaving them by josh's things and dropping my towel on top of the pile. i step into the water, walking in much slower than josh had. he was right though, it isn't very cold at all.

we stay in the water for awhile, getting out when we decide we're too hungry to stay in any longer. we dry off halfway and put our shirts and shoes back on to walk back to the campsite in a silence that would usually be comfortable. i just can't help but feel antsy.

i feel guilt build in my chest, like i shouldn't be feeling this way about him. i shouldn't look at him that way. it shouldn't make me blush when he smiles or says my name. i feel like all of this is pent up inside of me, like im going to burst. but how do i even bring it up?

hi, josh! im having an identity crisis and i think i'm gay! also i'm pretty sure i have a huge, embarrassing crush on you!

no.

i don't even know that i am gay. i've never let myself think about it long enough to figure it out until now. until josh.

we get back to our campsite and he offers to make us both sandwiches. i sit down and wait for him to be finished. he hands it to me with a small bag of doritos.

"for your sandwich," he smiles again and then makes his own lunch, moving on like it was nothing, like remembering this tiny detail and taking the time to pack an extra bag of chips just for me isn't going to make me implode.

fuck.

-

after lunch, josh leads us on a hike. the entire time we walk, i mull over this problem of mine. i think about josh, about girls who have asked me on dates before, about school, about my parents. i think about how badly i want to hold josh's hand again, how badly i want to feel its weight and its warmth in mine.

by the time we get back to the campsite, i'm still blank. all i really know is that i like josh as more than a friend and i can't do anything about it.

i do my best to shake it, to push it out of my mind, but it's overwhelming. my brain is covered in anxiety and confusion, blanketed by josh, josh, josh.

we eat dinner closer to sunset, and when we're finished, we lay on the hood of my car to look up at the stars.

"there's the little dipper," i point to a random area in the sky, fully aware that it is not, in fact, the little dipper.

"no, it's not," josh laughs a little and points to somewhere else, "it's over there."

"constellations are made up anyways. it's connect-the-dots. it can be anything i want it to be." i counter.

"i guess you're right." he sits up and i follow.

it's nice and quiet, the moon almost full above us. i stare at his profile and all of a sudden, my brain is calm. there's no worry. no fear. only content. and then i just can't take it anymore.

"josh?" i say his name quietly, with much less confidence behind it than i intended.

he turns to look at me all the same, but before he can say anything, i kiss him.

(an: i just want to say that like. every chapter in tylers pov brings up how anxious he is. hes got so much going on in that lil brain. his dad, his future, his identity, where he fits in with his friends and with the world. his chapters are filled with inner thoughts because thats how it is. figuring out your sexuality is hard for some people, especially when your first queer crush is someone youve known for so long. its a scary line to cross and you risk a lot of rejection. i just dont want people to be annoyed that his chapters are mostly that because thats just how it is and i will defend my summer child tyler till my last breath! anyway first kiss!!)