Second Chances [BxB]

four

"Seb!" Harvey's voice cut through the fog that filled Sebastian's head. He banged on the bathroom door, "Sebastian!" He called, his voice tight, more serious than Sebastian had ever heard it, "I'm coming in!"

Sebastian didn't try and block the door. He didn't try and hide his tear stained face. He didn't try and pretend to be okay.

Harvey told him to breathe. He took him by the shoulders, and held him in place. He counted to ten, and Sebastian tried his best to time his breaths with Harvey's voice. He couldn't at first, but Harvey just kept going, and going, and going. His breathing slowly returned to normal, but the crying didn't stop. Sebastian felt like he was being punished. Like there was an invisible force releasing wave after wave of agony. Guilt. Shame. Heartbreak. It was all too much.

"Sebastian." Harvey murmured. His hands were still on Sebastian's shoulders, anchoring him to reality, "What is it? What happened? Did he...? Did he do something to hurt you?"

Sebastian wanted to laugh at that suggestion. Sebastian was the one who hurt people. He was the monster. "No." He choked out.

"So, what is it?" Harvey pressed, his brows furrowed in concern, "It's alright, you can tell me, I won't-"

"I can't." Sebastian breathed out, his voice shaking, "I can't do this again. I can't keep doing this. I can't-"

"Sebastian-"

"I've done it before." He rubbed at his wet cheeks, trying to blink away the tears that just kept coming, "I hurt him so much, I can't-"

"Who?" Harvey asked firmly.

"Blue."

Harvey stared at him, "Sebastian, I don't-"

"He loved me. And I...I just...I did it all wrong. What if I...?" He balled his hands into fists, "I can't do it again."

Harvey nodded in understanding, "Okay." He mumbled softly, "It's alright. It was just a one night stand, Seb. It doesn't mean anything. You haven't done anything wrong."

Sebastian shook his head stubbornly, "I was never meant to fall in love again after Alex." He cried, "But I did, and he...I don't know if Alex would forgive me. I think he...he would be angry at me. Right?"

"No." Harvey answered quickly. He didn't know much about Alex, but he knew enough. "He would want you to be happy."

"I'm not."

Harvey gritted his teeth together, his jaw twitching in agitation, "I know."

"I fucked it all up with Felix." Sebastian continued, "I betrayed Alex for nothing. I betrayed him just to hurt someone. And I...I can't...I won't do it again, I-I can't-"

"Hey, Seb, c'mon, just-"

"And now I've betrayed him again by sleeping with someone else, and...and..."

"And you're allowed to move on."

Sebastian shook his head again, "I just keep hurting people, Harvey. It's all I do. I can't stop, I don't know how, I-"

"You haven't hurt me." Harvey told him authoritatively, "You've never hurt me."

"I will."

Harvey sighed, "Alright, that's enough. Get up. I'm gonna make you a cuppa, and we're gonna watch the gayest film I can find-"

"No." Sebastian rubbed his eyes, and took a shaky breath, "I'm going to visit Alex's grave. I haven't been all week."

Harvey watched him warily, "Don't go just because you feel guilty."