Hawk Heart

14. Heartbeats

I wasn't sure where my feet were leading me, but I didn't stop. 

I leaned against the wall of the palace as I reached the garden, taking shuddering breaths. The garden was serene- a stark contrast to the devastating storm in my chest. Icy waves of terror numbing my senses. Like everything I had ever known had suddenly been ripped apart into a million pieces. Like the sky I had looked at since I was a baby, was nothing but an illusion. 

I slid down to the ground, pulling my knees close to my chest in some semblance of comfort. Was that all I was ever meant to be? A charitable act? Because the Lord's wife took a liking to me? 

My chest felt empty. Maybe I should've felt angry. Or sad. Or terrified, and all I felt was analgesia. I was so lost in my reverie, that it took me a few moments to notice the slight rustle. And I glanced at the grass from where the sound had appeared, surprised to find a small white figure. An animal? I squinted harder and saw the very familiar origami figure. Before I could reach for it however, I heard something.  

"Bit of a wild venue for a dance,"

A voice seemed to pull me back into reality. But how could Zeph be here? How did he know where to find me?

I glanced at the source of the voice and sure enough, there he stood, in a dark hoodie pulled low over his head. The moonlight reflected off his features, lighting his charcoal grey eyes and the curve of his lips. And for a moment, my heart clung on to the vision, wondering if my brain was conjuring some fucked up form of comfort. 

"Goldie?" he spoke softly, and crouched in front of me. "Goldie...?" 

He reached for my face, gently caressing my clammy cheek as I leaned into his touch. I was proud of myself for not breaking into tears yet, although maybe it was due to the lack of any feeling at all. 

"How did you get here?" In the back of my mind, I knew it was very dangerous for him to be in the city. But then again, he felt like a breath of blissful air as I lay suffocating. 

"Just wanted to make sure you're okay," he shrugged, sitting down beside me. "You look nice."

I didn't say anything. The world as I had known seemed to have changed forever. But then, why wasn't I feeling anything?

"How come you're outside?" he asked. I didn't answer, focusing all my attention in taking deep breaths. "Atleast the place looks nice. You know I just saw-"

"Shut up," I said breathlessly, before really planning it. "Zeph...shut up, please."

"Oh," he seemed surprised. Although I expected him to be annoyed. 

"Just...just...stay quiet and..stay...with me," I said, hardly rationalizing what I was thinking. And maybe that was why I was able to utter what was in my heart. Raw. I leaned into him, shutting my eyes. His comforting scent, his warmth, some semblance of sanity perforating my haze. How could I go on normally now after everything? And in spite of myself, I wished I had never overheard Arthur. Then I would still be cocooned in comforting lies. 

I could hear the soft, mystical music still playing from within the halls. Zeph was quiet, except for his gentle breathing. Subconsciously, my breaths synchronized with his, my chest falling and rising gentler. The cold air felt good on my face, the earth firm. I was slipping away from reality, in a blissful, dream-like trance. 

"That's...some beautiful music," I said. 

"Mhm," Zeph agreed. "It really is. I guess I gotta give them credit for their taste in music. And gardenscaping to be honest."

We fell silent again and I kept my eyes shut, listening to the melody penetrating the dreadful night. Zeph didn't move, his presence anchoring me to reality.