Non Verbal

73

hi! i was unwell, forgive me:)

73

Rowan's POV

It was not much better at Frans.

But being out of the house was better.

Being away from mum and dad was better.

And I have come to learn that Fran was not giving us all space so that my parents could focus on trying to keep me safe from another crisis point, she was avoiding us for another reason.

I haven't figured out what yet, but mainly because every time I ask she turns it back around on me and I do not want to talk about me so I change the subject to something else.

As siblings we are awfully successful at avoiding.

It has been four nights now, since staying here. Fran's roommate is happy enough staying at her boyfriend's and Fran says that it's sort of become their norm.

I am just here.

But being in the city every evening has been nice. Travelling by train to and from school has been interesting.

It's been filling my day with different things than normal. The anxiety is trained on real life things like getting to school and getting work done. The change in routine has allowed less time for the anxious thoughts.

So it's been good for me.

I think.

To get away.

I am-

It is bad.

I am in bad shape.

I know this.

But I do not know how to fix it.

At the moment I am barely breathing.

I keep doing bizarre shit in the middle of a spiral, in the middle of an anxiety attack. Then breaking out of it and being able to recognise that that shit was fucked.

But at the time it's so logical and it's exhausting.

I am exhausted.

I am exhausted of feeling like this.

It's also driving me lightly insane that I keep seeing Lottie at the train station too.

Which honestly, the first time I caught a glimpse of her, I didn't look twice. I am used to imagining her face and being slightly out of reach of reality. But the second time, the second day, I watched her wait on the platform impatiently a few yards down from me, looking at her phone as if she had somewhere to be.

When I saw her again, yesterday afternoon, straight from school waiting at the train station taking us out of town and towards the city it was so hard not to ask her where she was going.

Why she was alone?

Was she staying alone?

It was hard to not walk down.

But I stayed at my spot, and I wondered if she felt the same need to talk to me.

And then I remembered the way she avoids my eye at school. How she stays with that guy. How she laughs and smiles with only him, not even looking at anyone else.

And I am happy for her.

That she seems so happy.

So obviously, I will not ask.

But well- why was she going into the city three times a week?

...