You are my king, and you are my queen

Soukoku angst pt 2

Ring, ring, ring.
"I pronounce the both of you married!"
"Congratulations, dazai san, Kunikida san!"
"Worry not, atsushi kun, it'll be Akutagawa and you next! Actually, we already have everything here...and you both are wearing whit-"
"Oi, don't make them get married on someone else's wedding day. It is not ideal for a long lasting relationship-"
Chuuya sat at the back of the church, glassy blue eyes staring at the happy couples all gathered at the altar. No one could see him or hear him, but he still whispered a small congratulations and wore a smile as he exited the church. Peace prevailed through the hard times, and happiness was all around. Four years ago, in their last battle with Dostoevsky, Chuuya sacrificed his existence to buy a few precious seconds of time from the gods, to rewind time enough for them to turn the tables and defeat the demon. The demon had died with his friend, the clown, and the rest of them had celebrated their victory. Chuuya's entire existence was erased, rewritten by the gods. He now walked the streets as a ghost, no one to remember him or to even sense he was there. Arahabaki had, in their last moments before separation, before he had made the decision of self sacrifice, asked him if he truly wished to do this. Arahabaki had once made this decision, but they gave up his existence to become a god, they had gotten something out of it. However, Chuuya would receive nothing but pain, others' happiness in exchange for his own, but he was fine with it. As long as others could live another day in utopia, he'll be fine walking away from all that could ever be, have been.
He hadn't any right to be sad about this, why should he be sad, true love is when you give up your happiness for the other, he truly loved his family, loved his ane san and dazai, so with seeing the smiles on their faces, he should smile as well. His demons should be placated, his heart comforted.
Ane san had found love with the agency's doctor, Akutagawa and Atsushi were now in a relationship, dazai and his current partner were now married, the boss had reignited his love with the agency's president, gin was now with higuchi, tachihara fell in love with a girl from the countryside, and even the agency's main powerhouse of brain cells was dating one of the guild's ex members. They all had found love and happiness, and if it was all because of his sacrifice, Chuuya should be satisfied and contented with that.
Yet, as he walked the streets, people walking through him like air, like he had never existed, it was just like yesterday that he had been bickering around with dazai, had gone on small dates with him, accompanied ane san on her trips to the local high tea shop, went to bars and restaurants with his friends, treated his squad to drinks, that he had lived alongside them. And now he was alone.
A drop fell from the sky, and suddenly, more and more followed, rain falling from the sky as people rushed to take cover.
It didn't matter to him, it wasn't like he could get wet anyway. However, somehow, his feet had carried him to an old shop, the restaurant that dazai and him used to go too in the past, it fell into ruin, fell to the trials of time after the life inside had passed.
It was a pity really, Chuuya had always adored the young owner who sadly succumbed to his family's disease, the owner bore a stark resemblance to albatross, maybe that was what drew him in.
The restaurant that once attracted throngs of people was left forgotten and abandoned once the owner disappeared, reminiscent of his own circumstances.
Staring at the glass window that was now covered in dust, Chuuya swept his hand across it, sweeping the dust off, and found something strange. He didn't understand, how could that be his reflection? Why did the person staring back at him look so sad? It couldn't be him, he was happy, he was happy for them. Why were there tears flowing down the man's cheeks? It was only the rain. Why did the smile look so heartbreaking? He was full of joy, he wasn't at all sad. He wasn't. Why did the gods have to make him question his happiness? He really was happy. This was the best case scenario, one man's happiness mattered not in the face of many others'.
His smile grows wider, he truly is happy, even so, a stray tear rolls down his cheek, gravity pulling it down to 'shatter' upon the ground as chuuya closes his eyes once again to convince himself.
"I...really am happy."
Gravity was the god, the ground was reality, and his tears were his dreams. Reality truly did crush every dream, maybe that was why, even after 4 years, Chuuya found himself so far away from true happiness.
{Once again, I walk the halls of bittersweet memories. I dream of what could have been, only to be awakened by reality. Fate is cruel, reality even more so. Will there be a light for me in this abyss of darkness? Will there be a day I leave my path of nostalgia and see a life that I could live? A day where I'm free of the confines of tears, the mask I wear to hide my sadness, a day where my smile becomes genuine. If there is, even if I truly wish that day to be mine, may the fates bestow that blessing upon another. The  happiness of others is my own happiness, I can get by on my own, so give that day to someone else, so they will be happy too. As long as I can see someone else smile, I'll be just fine.}
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The sky was painted a monochrome grey, one man stood alone in front of a grave. Rain fell from the sky, as if the gods were grieving with him, as if they were crying with him for the loss of someone dear.
"Dazai."
The man didn't turn to meet the concerned eyes of his friend, he didn't even hear him, too caught up in his mourning. Oda walked forward, holding the umbrella over both their heads. He understood dazai, understood that nakahara, despite all the complaints and whining, mattered the most to dazai. Nakahara had, under the assumption that dazai loved oda, with all his love for dazai, chose to sacrifice himself for oda in hopes dazai would be able to live happily with him. True, dazai did love oda, but not in the way Chuuya thought. That love was reserved for only Chuuya himself, but now he was gone and oda found a sense of guilt building within him.
"It's not your fault, odasaku. That chibi is just...very dumb."
Even if dazai wasn't looking at him, just from his voice, oda could tell. Dazai was grieving, heartbroken, and that it wasn't just rain rolling down his face.
Oda stood with him as dazai silently wept for chuuya, not saying a single word while for the first time in a long while, dazai let go of his emotions and allowed them control over his body.
~~•~~•~~•~~•~~•~~•~~•~~•~~•~~•~~
"Dazai?"
Oda found himself walking the halls of the infirmary yet again. It was summer now, and with the increasing temperature, dazai's suicidal tendencies have increased exponentially. Ever since the passing of nakahara, oda found himself following dazai almost 24/7 making sure he wasn't consuming copious amounts of drugs or trying to jump from a building. Oda had caught dazai ingesting a bucketload of drugs and wine at the same time and promptly stopped him, sending him to the port mafia's infirmary straight away for a checkup. He proceeded to retrieve dazai's belongings and some of his own before making his way there.
Upon opening the door, he was greeted by the sight of dazai hooked up to countless IVs and lying unconscious in the bed. It was an overdose, a very large one at that, the doctor had discovered not just drugs but bottles of medicines that the nurses had noted sudden disappearances of.
It was a miracle he survived, the doctor said, and now seated by his friend, oda agreed.
"Chuuya."
The voice awoke him from his reverie, and oda immediately looked up from folding dazai's clothes, and felt his heart pang at the sight of dazai's hand reaching out into the air, trembling as tears rolled down from closed eyes. To see his friend hurt like that, oda could feel his heart hurt too as he gently took dazai's hand and placed it back by his side, taking a wet towel and dabbing off the sweat and tears.
Grief will get better with time, yet oda couldn't ignore the nagging feeling inside that perhaps, that wasnt the case for dazai. On contrary, it will probably get worse.
~~•~~•~~•~~•~~•~~•~~•~~•~~•~~•~~
Red leaves formed a whirlwind of scarlet, raining down beautifully as it signalled the coming of autumn. Oda stood beneath the red tree, standing behind dazai whom he had found once again in front of nakahara's grave. Dazai looked worse for wear, hair messy and tangled, eye bags and pale skin. He had graduated from ingesting drugs to all out suicidal, it was almost everyday oda found him attempting again and again to take his own life.
"Death is a one way trip. Chuuya can never come back to me, but I can go to him. Odasaku, please, i see Chuuya everyday. He's so close, yet so far. I see him smiling, beckoning, yet each time I rush to him, I find myself held down by the shackles of life, and he fades away in front of my eyes. I must get to him, chuuya's waiting for me!"
That was what dazai had said earlier that morning, when oda had once again stopped him from hanging himself. He said it so sorrowfully, begging and pleading all while oda silently held dazai back from the rope as he struggled until he fell asleep from exhaustation. Immediately after he awakened, dazai would instantly gravitate to the grave again, stand there for hours on end, before attempting to reach the hands of death and the whole cycle would repeat itself.
Was he doing the right thing? Depriving dazai of peace? Oda questioned himself daily, as dazai got worse and worse. He was basically catatonic to everyone but oda, in missions he wouldn't even try, just jumping into the enemy as he sought the peace of death, mori had reluctantly given up on him by now, but he still handled all the medical bills for dazai. Kouyou, while she was still grieving, was faring much better than dazai.
"Odasaku. When I see Chuuya again, will he be happy?"
Oda noted the use of 'when' and not 'if', but made no comment, he didn't know what to say after all. At times like this, oda truly felt stumped. He didn't know how to help his friend, how to make him feel better, how to reduce his pain, even if it was just a bit. So as usual, dazai's question went unanswered, and it was in silence that dazai found himself seeing Chuuya smiling at him again, before he disappeared into ashes, the wind carrying the ash away, far away, where dazai could never hope to go, unless he shatters the shackles of life and falls into the abyss of death.
~~•~~•~~•~~•~~•~~•~~•~~•~~•~~•~~
Winter had come, and oda found himself in bar lupin. It had been a long time since he had went there, with having to be at dazai's side 24/7 and having to take care of him, he barely had any time to himself or to just not worry about dazai. Ango had volunteered to help, even with ango's contribution to the situation that had landed them in all of this, oda still trusted him, and since dazai was asleep and under a sleeping drug, oda left dazai's apartment alone for the first time and his feet carried him to the warm cozy atmosphere of bar lupin.
Downing a glass of whisky(help what does oda like), he somehow ended up spilling everything to the listening bartender who calmly heard him out as he cleaned the glasses.
"Sakunosuke kun, pardon my crude way of speaking, but why not just let him?"
"Let him die?"
The bartender nodded at oda's clarification.
"Dazai kun had always found it painful to live, but he endured it for nakahara san's sake. Now that nakahara san has gone to the other side, it only makes living all the more painful and death all the more enticing. If death will give himself peace, why should we prevent him? Besides that, it's his life, sakunosuke kun, even if you are his friend, who are you to deprive him of what may be his peace and final euphoria?"
~~•~~•~~•~~•~~•~~•~~•~~•~~•~~•~~
"Spring has come again, my friend. Now that you are in eternal repose, have you finally found your peace and your love?"
Oda had let dazai go, and the expression dazai wore as he jumped was one of pure bliss as finally, the chains that held him back were fractured and shattered and he was free to leap into the abyss to chase the string of what they called love.
He stood alone this time, facing the two graves of soukoku. Dazai had requested his be erected next to chuuya's so he could always be with him.
Did oda do the correct thing, letting a friend die? He still questioned himself, but if dazai truly was laughing with chuuya on the other side, then oda didn't mind, even as his morals pressed guilt upon his soul.
"Oda san."
He'll get by, he'll be just fine, he had ango after all. Dazai found peace in death, oda found peace in living. In his eyes, what he had done wasn't right, he should have tried harder to get dazai to move on, however, as he stepped out of his own shoes and slid into dazai's, everything seemed different, and what was wrong to him became right to dazai.
What's wrong may be right, what's right may be wrong. There's no black and white, no true right or wrong.
The bartender was right, who was oda to stop dazai from finding peace, from going to Nakahara? Who was oda to force dazai into living such a painful life where his one light, his love and his life was so cruelly taken away from him, and the very act of breathing brought pain to his soul?
Spring has graced itself upon the land yet again, with spring came peace, with peace came happiness. I wonder, my friend, as you finally reach the gates of death, will they open to show you love again, to give back what others took from you, the one whom breathed life into your soul, and should you find the one again, will your soul finally be at rest, and will you then attain 'true happiness' ?
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I didn't do the concepts justice 🥲 but as controversial as it is, do you guys think oda did the right thing?
I really don't think I wrote this very well but hmm I still hope it's decent enough for you guys to enjoy it a bit