Is it really worth it?

"There is this guy at work."

It was now about 3 am Maya figured it would be another sleepless night for her processing mind. But she also loved being up when no one else was. It was so quiet and peaceful, there was no one to look after, impress, or whatever social interaction one would have during the day. It was just quiet. And she also knew she wasn't alone. Carina slept on her usual spot, hogging the entire blanket and Maya had her arm swung around Carina in an I-shield-you-from-the-world kind of way. Her leg was also draped around Carina. And even though Carina was fast asleep Maya didn't dare to move. Most of the time Carina noticed and would unconsciously pull her closer. Maya also didn't mind. Carina still hadn't spoken to Maya and that probably caused the sleepless night. The head wrecking of what possibly could have happened.

Carina asked for a sick day tomorrow, so Maya knew they would have one of their days. Maya loved them. They would wake up in each other's arms and even though both of them knew the other was awake they wouldn't budge. They felt at home there. After a while, Carina would waddle into the kitchen, sleep still guiding her way so she shut her eyes a little in the cutest way possible. Maya always had to control herself not to jump out of bed and kiss her violently. Carina would make French toast the smell always filled the entire house, even when Maya didn't feel too inclined to eat she would always love the smell. Sometimes Maya went running and by the time she was back, she found Carina curled together on the sofa with a nearby expresso mug and a book laid open somewhere, unread. Maya always tried to be extra quiet when hopping into the shower but she would rarely go undetected and soon after Carina would hop in with her. Once she did so fully dressed, which caused an eruption of laughter. After a long shower of fun, they got dressed. Maya in her usual blue jeans and wide-cut top while Carina most of the time only put on her red gown so that Maya always lost a few gazes to Carina's body. And from there on they would do different activities but always together. Once they went shopping in a big Target nearby with unbelievable options and they saw each corner of it Carina sometimes drove away in a shopping cart forcing Maya to catch up. Or they hid so the other had to find them in the hidden corners. Or they went to a park, pretending to be an elderly couple screaming at kids to get off the lawn, putting on funny accents to do so. They also baked together, went for hikes, and read books with their limbs entangled. It was their thing and it was always just simply perfect.

"Bambina," Carina had woken up and was talking in her sleepy voice, which Maya loved. "Yes?" Maya asked back, ignoring the fact that it was 3:30 in the morning. "You can't sleep?" Maya nodded in response. "Well, what are you thinking about?" Carina asked. Maya thought for a second or at least pretended to. She tugged a wild strain of Carina's hair back to where it belonged, in the most loving way. It made both of them smile a little. Yesterday's conversation appeared to have evaporated and their softness reappeared. "You," Maya replied. "Hmm, you are. Tell me more..." Maya loved it when Carina played a little. "Well, I was thinking about how much I love you. How much I love your hair and body but also how much I love the way you are obsessed with coffee and how you fall asleep while reading every time no matter how hard you try not to. Or how you have very strong opinions on food and whether you like it or not and if you don't like it you always try to swaddle the chef and convince them that it is in fact delicious but that always fails. Or how when you sleep you never let me go, you either hold my hand or make sure I'm holding yours. I love that you care so much about every single mother you attend. And how-" Maya wanted to continue until she noticed Carina flinch at her last sentence.

So she stopped herself and instead asked. "Carina, baby, what is going on?" She inquired in the softest way she knew how to. She watched Carina sit up in bed and turn to face her. "I-" Carina started, Maya could see the pain in her eyes and it almost broke her. "It's okay, you can tell me some other time." But Carina shook her head. "No, I, I need you on this." Maya's concern grew with every word spoken, she hoped Carina wouldn't notice. "I don't want you to be mad, okay?" Maya nodded. "There is this guy at work," Carina paused shortly. Was she cheating?

*I knew it. I knew I wouldn't be good enough. I knew she would change her mind. I'm such an idiot*

"He's new in the hospital, I think he came when you went to the clinic. He went to medical school with Andrea, or at least he says he did,"

*Stupid, stupid, stupid*

"He was so nice, he brought me expresso in the morning, from the coffee place I love so much. And he always had a shoulder for me to cry on when I got too worried. He was just so nice I should've known."

*should've known you were going to fall for a man?*

"One night when we both had a long night at the hospital but all my patients were stable so I went to a room to lay down shortly, I was just so exhausted. He came in when I was laying in bed all ready half asleep. He locked the door but I wasn't worried I thought he was just going to change or something."

(⚠TW: RAPE⚠)

*Please don't say what you think you are going to, please. No, it's wrong to think that just listen maybe it's not that bad*

"He came towards my bunk bed and made me turn towards him. I did figuring he wanted to tell me something. He smiled and leaned in and the next moment he was kissing me, I had zero control and I felt so helpless he knows I'm engaged he knows!"

"I didn't know what to do, I told him to stop, often. But no matter what I tried he wouldn't stop. I screamed but no one was close. He kept on telling me to shut it and that this was what I wanted and then he started touching me and tearing off my scrubs so that they ripped open. He looked at me and said that I was chubby but he would fuck me anyway."

*I want to scream I want to kill him!*

"So he did, he went on for ages and touched me and licked and did all the things to me and I was so scared to move I was so scared Maya. He would have hit me and I was so frozen I couldn't move I should have but I-"

Both of them had tears flowing down their faces and Maya balled her fists in anger, anger so strong, something she had never felt before. Who gave men the right to even think like that?! To think a woman wants him and when she tells him she doesn't he fucks her anyway. And then most of the time they get away with it. Who built this fucked up system so that this can happen? WHAT THE FUCK! Maya was so angry she couldn't handle it. But she couldn't show it. So she took Carina into her arms and said:

"Baby, this is not your fault. Whatever you could or should have done in your mind this is not your fault. Not your fault. You are not dirty or gross you are a woman that has fallen as a victim of rape like so many others have. You are still you and I'm insanely proud of you that you gathered the courage to tell me. Carina this is not your fault and I will do whatever is in my power to get that man locked up and I will make sure no matter what that he will not see daylight again."

Carina fell asleep after Maya calmed her for about an hour with the lullaby that was always there to help when they knew words wouldn't be enough. She fell asleep in Maya's arms, who still had so many questions but Maya knew Carina needed sleep now and was still too weak to answer them. Her thoughts though circled. 33% of women contemplate suicide after rape. 30% of women experience PTSD for longer than 9 months after rape. 94% for longer than 3 weeks. About 70 women in the US commit suicide every day following an act of sexual violence. One in three women has experienced attempted or completed rape. Less than 20% of rape is actually reported.

Maya wanted to vomit. Why was nothing changing?! Now the woman she loved most had to go through what almost every woman has and what becomes the hardest thing to process. She was just so mad. All she wanted was to kill him. She fell asleep thinking about it as bad as it sounds it was the only thing that calmed her. Maya was going to do something anything to make Carina feel better, she would do anything.

(I know this is heavy but please just in case always remember what Maya said to Carina. This is such an important topic and something that has to be worked on very urgently. Sadly the statistics are real too I am so truly mad at the world that women have to go through this and that still today fear guides our everyday life...
Ps. I am aware that rape is also a huge topic for men and that it is just as hard but I as a woman can only talk about it this way. And sadly still way more women get raped...
National sexual assault hotline: 800.656.4673
Please as always let me know what you think. , also are you guys still enjoying the story should I keep going?)