Is it really worth it?

"Happy Birthday!"

"Happy Birthday!" Everyone screamed as Maya and Carina made their way into the big hall of the station. All of them had party hats and decorations all over them. They looked genuinely excited and weirdly happy. Maya walked in with a big smile from one cheek to the other but on the inside, she was dying. Dying of fear and guilt of having that fear. Everyone seemed to buy the wide fake smile on Maya's face. Which made things easier.

About 30 minutes later when everything relaxed a little Maya was sitting at one of the tables. Deep in her thoughts again. Everyone seemed to have a good time and everyone smiled while Maya's mind was a mess

*I should be happy. My wonderful girlfriend organized a remarkable party. No one has ever done that for me. I can't stop focusing on the stupid food. Ok, just try not to think about it*

Of course, Maya's attempts at forgetting the food failed miserably, but her attempt at hiding those feelings seemed to work out great. "So, Maya how does it feel to be 32?" Andy's words brought Maya back to the big celebration around her. "Uhm, wow what a great question. It is extraordinarily different. Nothing will ever be the same!" Maya answered. Trying her ways with humor. Which Andy was clearly not anticipating. After about 10 long seconds a smile crept onto Andy's face. Realizing the joke her best friend had just made. "What are we laughing about, babe?" Carina said while placing herself on the seat next to Maya. Maya and Andy quickly looked at each other agreeing on what to answer. Maya rose one eyebrow and replied: "Oh, nothing babe. Just having fun." Carina seemed satisfied with that answer and hugged her beloved girlfriend from the side.

"Mayaaaaaa!" Someone was screaming the blonde's name. Rapidly she turned around looking in the direction the voice came from. When she turned around fully she saw the entire station standing in front of her (besides Carina who was still by her side) with a large cake in their hands spelling "Happy Birthday Maya!" Seconds later they were all singing happy birthday with large grins on their lips. Maya on the other hand wasn't smiling anymore. She was panicking. The cake was huge and it scared her. Not the cake on it's on of course, but what it contained. All the sugar, fat, and calories. The song seemed to last forever. Which gave Maya more time to calculate all the terrible things the cake contained. Again, no one noticed the shock written all over Maya's face. They all thought she was just in awe of the beautiful cake. Well, everyone but Carina. Who noticed the shock and fear lingering on her girlfriend's face.

The song was finally over and Maya was ordered to blow out the colorful candles. Obeying the order Maya leaned forward and blew them all out. Still hiding the panic building up in the depths of her guts. While her girlfriend became more and more suspicious. "Now, cut the cake I'm hella hungry!" Vic's voice drained some of the panic bringing Maya back to the real world and not leaving her trapped inside the mess of her mind. A big sharp knife was handed to her. Forcing her now to cut into the creamy cake. Everyone was chatting again waiting to be handed a piece of the delicious cake, other than Carina who was watching her so closely Maya could feel her eyes on her.

After everyone got a piece they all placed themselves around the big table located in the middle of the station's big hall, and everybody dug into the cake. Talking about the station's successes and all the funny stories including the birthday girl.

*Don't eat the damn cake, Maya. Do not do it. It looks tasteful but it's full of calories you are not supposed to eat. But if I don't eat it Carina might become suspicious her eyes have been on me the entire afternoon. I might be able to eat it if I can go to the bathroom after. No one would notice that right? I hope they won't. Just eat it now and do what must be done later!*

So, after making up her mind. She started eating the cake in front of her. It tasted delicious. She hadn't eaten anything like it in ages. She hadn't eaten anything like cake in a long long time. It felt amazing, but at the same time, terrible guilt flowed all through Maya's body. The guilt of eating. The guilt of not being worth the cake being scooped into her mouth. Then again she felt that look on her. The concerning look of her girlfriend. Immediately she forced herself to smile at Carina. Hoping it would flood away her concerns, but of course, it didn't.

"I have to go the bathroom really quick. I'll be back. Oh, don't eat all the cake while I'm gone." Maya informed the station. Hoping it sounded completely normal. Which it should have because normal people go to the bathroom for normal reasons. She walked up the stairs and turned left. Reaching the toilet just moments after. She opened the heavy door and walked inside. Before going into one of the bathroom stalls she quickly eyed herself in the mirror. A single tear was rolling down the side of her face. Leaving a trace of mascara. She didn't want to feel the way she felt. She didn't want to starve herself the way she did. She didn't want any of it. But on the other hand, if she didn't those terrible thoughts would kill her instead.

Maya's head was now placed over a toilet seat. She was preparing herself. No matter how many times she would do it every time she was horrified and disgusted.

*Maya, you promised yourself you would. So do it. Just get it over with. You have done this before. JUST DO IT!*

At this point, tears were streaming heavily down Maya's cheeks and her heart was aching. Aching because of her mind, her mind screaming at her. To do something no one was supposed to.

"Maya?" Her girlfriend's words filled the bathroom. Maya was shocked. Not ready for anyone to see her in this state. "Please open the door, bambina." Maya didn't move. She just sat there crying. Seconds later Maya saw Carina's hand being slipped under the bathroom stall. She grabbed it. Holding it tight and cried.