Is it really worth it?

"Baby, I'm here for you."

About 15 minutes must have passed. But she honestly didn't have a clue. Maya was still holding on to her girlfriend's hand like there was nothing else in the world and single tears were still finding their way down her wet cheeks. None of them have said a word, but that was exactly what Maya needed. She loved that Carina didn't ask questions. She was just there holding her hand.

"Bambina, do you think it's time to talk? Or should we just go downstairs?" Something about Carina's voice was soothing in a way no one could have explained. Maya tried to find her voice to answer the caring question, but nothing seemed to come out of her lips. Not knowing what to do she just opened the door and looked straight into her girlfriend's brown eyes. She noticed tears filling Carina's eyes and immediately felt terrible. Again she tried to speak or at least make some kind of noise but failed miserably. "It's okay, bella. No need to talk just come here." Carina opened her arms waiting for them to be filled by her girlfriend. Maya obeyed and crawled her way into her arms. Her head was resting safely on Carina's shoulder and tears were soaking into her jacket.

They just sat there holding each other tightly not ready to let go any time soon when Maya's thoughts returned.

*Why are you like this? Your perfect girlfriend who is doing everything right is crying because of you. You did all of this. And you ruined her happiness. This is all your fault. Why do you keep on making everything worse? Besides, the food is still in you and is rotting you from the inside. It's all your fault!*

Maya cried out something inaudible. She was sobbing and screaming. All while still being in Carina's arms who wouldn't let go. "It's all my fault. It's all my fault. I ruin everything. It's all my fault." Maya couldn't stop her thoughts and they were killing her slowly. Piece by piece. Her tears wouldn't stop coming. "Let me go. I don't deserve you. Just let me go." Maya screamed out. She was throwing her arms all around and kicking her legs into the air. Screaming, kicking, and wailing. But Carina wouldn't move. She wouldn't let go. She held her tight. "It's okay baby just breath it's okay." The words hit Maya hard and her kicking and moving stopped, but her crying wouldn't. She cried as she had never before. Like there was nothing left in this world. She couldn't quite explain why. Maybe it was all the bottled-up feelings from everything she went through. Maybe this was her breaking point.

"You'll have smiles on your faces like crickets and starts in August." Carina was humming in Italian. Something that sounded a lot like a lullaby. It calmed Maya. It stopped all the thoughts in her mind. She was free. In the arms of her girlfriend, while listening to the lullaby being sung to her. Everything was okay for just a moment. Her crying got better and the tears stopped falling. She moved away from the comforting shoulder and looked into the beautiful brown eyes of her girlfriend. She looked at her and said thank you in her own way just with the expression in her eyes. But Carina knew immediately. "Baby, I'm here for you. I'm not leaving." Carina's words shocked Maya. Never has anybody ever said that and meant it in the way Carina did. A small kiss was landed on Maya's cheek. Finally, Maya could say something. It was short and small but very effective. "I love you, Carina. I love you so much."

When Maya gathered herself and cleaned all the mascara off her cheeks they were ready to go down again. Even though Carina had promised to only go down to say goodbye and then go home. So they did. Hand in hand they walked down the stairs and back into the hall of the station. Carina looked strong and powerful. Protecting her still fragile girlfriend and taking over the talking. Which made things way easier for both of them. Quickly, they said goodbye hugged everyone, and said thanks. After that, they were already in the car ready for the 15-minute drive home. The drive was silent and no one said a word. But they didn't have to the silence was not awkward or bad in any way it was filled with love and peace.

Once they arrived home Maya was ordered to go lay down in their big bed. She didn't have the power to fight Carina on that or even to stay up and talk. So she did. She closed her eyes and everything came back all the things she tried so hard to forget. But before Maya could go back to spiraling into something worse she felt a hand placed on her shoulder. After that, she felt an entire body being rested next to her. But That wasn't enough to keep her thoughts from coming. Somehow Carina felt her uneasiness again and pulled Maya deeper into her arms. Now Maya felt safe in a place she could stay forever. Her thoughts were gone. And the only thing in her mind was her caring girlfriend.

"I love you too, Maya. I love you so much" Carina's words were the last thing Maya heard before falling into a peaceful sleep.