‘I’ve got to explain a few things,’ she said softly.
‘Why now?’ I blurted out, mind racing now. I was panicking. God, what else did she need to tell me? What else could possibly go wrong? ‘Why not weeks ago? Why not explain everything then? You know, instead of taking off!’
Oh no, no, no. Why was I getting mad? I should be happy not mad. I should be rejoicing that she’d finally come back that, after all of weeks of searching, I’d found her at long last. But she couldn’t just come in and out of my life when she felt like it. Didn’t she understand how much that messed with my head?
Of course, she didn’t. She hadn’t seen what a mess I’d been the past couple weeks without her. She had bigger stuff to worry about that me. She was... dying.
‘I was scared,’ Raegan replied, not flinching away from my questions. Her eyes bore into mine and I had a strange sense of clarity. I knew this time she wouldn’t dodge my questions; she’d stay if I wanted her to.
I couldn’t let her go again.
‘Come inside,’ I said, shoving myself away from the entrance and giving her room to make the decision.
My heart was still rocketing around in my chest as I reached the living room door and glanced back. She looked the same as ever but also a little different. Thinner I guess, but it wasn’t the right word. Maybe frailer was a better word. Worn out. I didn’t like it. It meant she’d been worrying. I guess it was impossible not to worry. How could I even begin to fathom the amount of stress she must be feeling?
She caught me staring at her and I jerked backwards into the living room feeling self conscious for some reason. Or nervous. I forgot how to act around her. I didn’t know how to act around her now. It wasn’t the same as before. She knew I loved her and I knew now that she didn’t have time to even think about stuff like that. For once, we were both equally knowledgeable.
Just to have something to do, I strode across the room and yanked the curtains closed. It was hardly necessary as no-one was around but it did feel odd having the curtains open at night.
When that was done, I had nothing else to do but turn and look back at her once more. Last time I’d seen her she’d given me the coldest look I’d ever known. Now it was a complete one-eighty and the look she was giving me made my stomach tie itself in knots. What the hell was I supposed to think now?
‘You look... Good,’ I forced myself to say. ‘I didn’t think...’
I tried not to think about what she would look like in the last few weeks of her life. When she’d been in Richmond, she’d seemed perfectly healthy but I’d seen pictures of how sick people got, whether from the harsh medical treatment or the cancer itself and... she didn’t look bad at all. Much the same actually. Just paler, darker circles under her eyes. She’d always had trouble sleeping on her own.
‘Really?’ Raegan asked, forcing some brightness into her tone. ‘Everyone’s been telling me I look like shit,’ she said crossing her arms in front of her nervously. ‘I certainly feel like shit.’
She walked into the centre of the room before redirecting herself towards the fireplace to look at her reflection in the mirror. I edged a few steps closer, giving in just a little to the usual pull she had on me.
‘Why did you run?’ I asked, feeling my chest tighten as she turned to face me.
‘I’m sorry,’ she whispered, eyes wide. ‘I felt terrible-’
‘So did I,’ I couldn’t help but interrupt harsher than I meant to.
She closed her eyes briefly before looking back up.
A Month to Love (42)
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