It's the pain that keeps me alive

28

They had locked me in a large grey room. The walls were dark and covered in stains. Jeez I thought Tony was meant to be rich. I was sat dead center on a metal chair with my hands locked behind my back and to the chair. There was a small window behind me allowing for a few beams of light to enter the dreary prison. As much to my surprise nobody had tried to take off my mask. I guess that was one positive. Although I new it wouldn't last long. May as well make a grand entrance.

I examined my surroundings. I noticed a camera in the top corner of the room behind me with a flashing red light. I would wave but my hands are tied, literally. I could tell they were watching me, I could feel their eyes burning my skin through the camera. I nudged off my mask and help my head down leaning forward over my knees. My hair draped around my face, my identity still concealed.

The door slammed open.

"so, who are you?" I could tell by the voice, it was Bucky. I didn't reply.

"i'll ask again, who are you?... Don't just sit there, LOOK AT ME!"

I pulled the classic Kubrick stare and looked up to his eyes through my eyebrows.

"hello sweetie..." I shot him a narcissistic smirk.

"y...y/n?" he protested with a tear in his eye. He froze. I assumed the others were watching on the camera and noticed how Buckys behaviour suddenly changed. They all filtered into the room, and then tired their attention to me.

"surprise..." I grinned. Natasha, steve, Bucky and Tony all stood their staring down at me. Bucky shook his head in disappointment and left the room.

"okay so, nice seeing you all again, we should do it again some time, but I really should go so if one of you don't mind" I gestured to hands.

Nat and Steve looked to each other and left leaving tony alone with me.

"y/n, what are you doing?" Tony pleaded. A shiver of feelings came back to me. No no no I can't start to feel things again.

"just please let me go"

"I can't do that kid..." he sighed. He turned to the door and slowly retreated.

"no please you can't leave me here no don't please, Dad!" he stopped in his tracks, I had just called him Dad. He turned around in tears, took off my restraints and hugged me. My mind swirled in emotions. No, no no nonono they couldn't come back, I can't let them. I began to feel guilty for what I was about to do. But it had to be done. I shoved past him and ran out of the door and to the stairwell. My head started spinning. This wasn't happening. No, why did it have to happen? The pain of my thoughts came hammering down at me. So I ran and kept on running.

Stumbling down the stairs I managed to push my feelings away, but I was too distracted to see Bucky walking towards me. I crashed into him. Everything was moving so fast. I couldn't control my breathing. My heart rate was through the roof. I stumbled back. Panic had settled within me.

He held me still, holding my shoulders with his firm grip. His touch calmed me. He directed my eyes to his as he pressed his lips against mine. I fell into the kiss, submitting myself to him. Everything started flooding back, the pain I felt everyday, the love I had for the people I surrounded myself with and the guilt for killing innocent people. He pulled away and touched his forehead to mine.

My eyes were streaming with tears, I had broken down... again.

"y/n... please stay... I need you, I... I love you..." Bucky whispered in a reassuring tone. I can't say, I need to go it's not right that i'm here... wait, did he just say he loves me.

"im s...sorry, I just can't it hurts too much" I muttered.

"say it, say you love me" Bucky protested.

"I love you too buck... but-"

"No, no buts if you really love me you'll stay with me"

"i'll stay..."

I went back upstairs and spoke through what had happened that night with my parents Cap and Nat. it was all too much too soon. I needed space, to be alone. I loved these people but I hated being around them because it reminded me of what I had lost and how much of a burden I am. So I went to stay at dads mansion in Malibu for a couple of weeks to get some space alone. Although I did invite wade over for the second week. We just messed around in the workshop and gave his suit some kick ass upgrades. But for the whole of the first week I stayed in my pyjamas and watched a shit tonne of films.

It feels so awkward to be me, I was a walking taboo. Everywhere I went something bad would happen, everyone was always aware of what had happened yet nobody would talk about it. How is anyone on the team able to hold their shit together, I'm a disaster to the point where I'm just a joke