It's the pain that keeps me alive

10

The whole team are sitting in the living room looking at me, wondering why I asked them in here. Everyone sat in close quarters in a circular formation, except Bucky who sat by himself at the edge of the room, probably nervous to be around me after our last encounter but also because of what I was about to say. I sat alone cross legged on a chair in a massively oversized hoodie looking down and fiddling with the ends of my sleeves.

"when you're in rehab, every focus is on you, all of a sudden it feels like relief. But that doesn't change the constant burden of feeling like a problem that can't be fixed.

They tell you opening up is one of the first steps, but they also tell you that the first step is the hardest. So here goes...

When I was five, I was taken." I glanced over at Bucky, but he still sat there looking to the floor, ashamed. Everyone knew by now that it was him, so I didn't feel the need to bring it up again.

"I was taken to a 'school' where i'd be locked up in a small dark room alone every night. During the day they would line all of us up, all the girls and we'd be trained, we didn't know why or what we were doing we just knew if we didn't obey; there would be a  punishment.

As we got older they would only give us a meal a day and they drugged us with the 'vitamins' they gave us, it kept them in control. The first time I ever killed a man I was nine, it wasn't long until the second, then the third and, well, you get the idea.

When we got to 16 it got worse. All we could hear at night was the screaming of the other girls and every night you'd hope it wasn't going to be you... the men, they would come into our rooms at night and rape us, it became the new normal, but then I got pregnant... "

I wiped the tears away from my eyes and ignore everyone's saddened and shocked looks.

"they couldn't let me have a baby, so one day i was lining up and a man grabbed me by the arm and pulled me way to a room. The hand was cold like metal. They put me on a table, I was strapped in and someone in a cloak and a mask picked up a knife and stabbed my lower stomach, I screamed and screamed till I passed out but just before I remember someone holding my hand, the man was the winter soldier.

I didn't see him again till I was 17, when he was bought in to fight us and help us train. We took turns nobody could beat him except me. I was put into a separate training room from then on  just me and him, they said it was to 'test my abilities'. Then he suddenly disappeared and Hydra needed a new soldier, they chose me. I was the test subject they injected me with serums and needles until I was stronger than a room full of super soldiers.

By this time I was taking out whole governments by myself, until one day I saw Buck crossing the road when I was on an operation in Romania. And an unknowing rage built up inside of me, I thought we were friends, how could he have left me there? And all the feelings that had been washed away by hydra  came flooding back, I was killing innocent people, I hated all of them so I got revenge.

I took them out one by one until eventually they all lived in fear that they would be next. Once everyone was gone it was only the winter soldier left, and that's when I came home"

They all remained silent but I could see the tears in their eyes, I had been desensitised to my past but it came as a shock to them. After, a long time of people struggling to hear about my past, somebody broke the silence and we had a long discussion.