It's the pain that keeps me alive

12

"Oh my God Y/N! What the hell happened?!"

I was still struggling to breathe and kept my head down.

"What's going on? I don't get it you've been fine, you've been clean now for over six months...."

I slowly met my sorrowful eyes with his and stared hoping he would eventually catch on. Tears began to dribble down my face as we maintained eye contact. I was expecting him to be angry, shout at me like last time. But no, this time was different, he could sense my pain and how much I was struggling. Yes, part of him looked disappointed but he looked down to me with a gentle nod to show he understood and there was no judgement.

"i'm sorry for everything that happened, but right now I have to get you to the hospital..." Seconds later I had fainted. I don't know what happened after that, all I know is I ended up here, in a hospital bed with wires going in and out of me. Apparently I had had some very severe seizures and panic attacks, this was just adding on to the pit of depression I had already found myself in.

I was moved out of the emergency ward and taken to a private room. My memory was pretty hazy but I got the gist. I stayed in the hospital bed for the best part of two weeks, practically paralysed laying on my side staring out the window . I didn't move for the whole time. I would get regular visitors, by this time my room had been filled with flowers and baskets. They would talk to me but I would just continue to lay still and not reply.

Everyone came by, Mum and Dad were here almost every day. Due to me being very unresponsive sometimes they would forget I was still listening. I was partly confused, the whole reason I was in hospital was because I was suffering with withdrawal and yet there was no mention of it anywhere not even from my parents. There was a bit of crying at the start but it moved on to try and keep things positive and updating me about current events. When Yelena and Wanda stopped by they gave me some magazines and told me all the latest gossip. But the one person I wanted to visit, never came...

I finally went track to the tower, but me and my parents decided it was for the best that I took it easy and didn't tell the team I was coming home. It was harder this time around because nobody really understood what had happened and I had to suffer in silence.

When I got back I went straight to my room. It was in the late evening. I tried to sleep but something just kept bothering me. Why did nobody know I had relapsed? I got up and walked to Buckys door. I knocked and waited.

The door edged open to reveal a topless Bucky. I was a mess.

"um hi can I come in?" he looked startled at first probably not expecting me to be home already.

"yeah sure" he opened his door and and walked over to the side of his room where he put on a shirt. I must admit I was a bit disappointed. I sat at the end of his bed and got straight to the point.

"why does nobody know what happened?"

"what do you mean?"

"why I was I hospital? Why does nobody know?" he came over and sat down next to me.

"you mean why I didn't tell anyone?" I nodded.

"well I guess I didn't want to put you through what had happened before... again. And part of me feels guilty, I just didn't think it was right to tell everyone something that isn't mine to tell."

"that didn't stop you last time" I murmured under my breath.

"last time was different... but I'm glad you're here because I want to apologise for everything that I said and... did."

"it's okay, I forgive you and thank you... for not telling anyone."

I looked up to his eyes and gave him a gentle smile. We didn't break eye contact. But suddenly something came over me, I leaned forward and kissed him. It was really hot. Feeling his soft lips against mine. He kissed me back with a gentle passion. But then I realised what I was doing and pushed myself off of him.

"fuck... i'm sorry" He didn't get a chance to react before I dashed out of the room feeling really embarrassed.