It's the pain that keeps me alive

18

Not much happened for a week after that, I hadn't talked to many people or gone out anywhere. The team decided to have a formal dinner party, I wasn't going to go but I knew I would eventually have to get things back to normal.

It was coming up to the evening, I got dressed in a white long sleeved top, a cropped, fitted waist coat and some black low waisted trousers. I tried to make an effort, I needed it. It was a long table like the ones you would have at weddings. I took my seat next to bucky. Wanda, Vision and Steve were opposite. We had a very long conversation about Wanda and Visions plans for the future. They're thinking of moving to a place called Westview in a beautiful family home to settle down. It was very adorable the way they looked at each other. The food came out, plates were placed in front of us with very fancy looking quinine.

I didn't feel like eating, I've always had trouble with eating, being underfed for so many years you definitely get used to it. But, now food just makes me uncomfortable, especially when I have to eat in front of everyone. I guess bucky noticed how I was just staring down at the plate with a fork in my hand unable to move. Nobody else did, they were all in deep conversation.

He rested his hand on my thigh.

"it's okay..." he whispered.

"I can't... not in front of everyone"

"okay, here put some of it onto my plate so it doesn't look too overwhelming" I gave him a smile to say thank you and I could tell he appreciated it. The night got easier from then on, it was actually quite fun. Me and Bucky were finding everything hilarious and we were really getting along. He was really dreamy and just perfect. I really liked him.

I thought i'd just spice it up a little and carry on from where we left off. Under the table I moved my leg towards his and traced it with my foot. I watched his reaction, he continued to eat his food trying to hold on to his emotions, I could see he looked startled but be was also enjoying it.

"really doll?" he smirked. I started to laugh to myself under my breath.

A little while later me, Wanda and Steve got into a relatively serious discussion about an ongoing mission that was getting really tough for Wanda because it was in her home town and it brought a lot of past memories of her childhood. Just then I felt something. Bucky. He had his hand on my thigh again. Moving it up and down. Knee to waist. Fuck.

"y/n... y/n?"

"yeah"

"your still with us?" Steve asked. Buck moved his hand slowly towards my inner thigh.

"yeah, sorry" I bit my lip.

"so as I was saying..." Steve continued, but all I could think about was Buck's hands on my body. It was so, so hot.

I slapped his hand to stop but he grabbed it and held my hand in his for the rest of the evening. I like him I really like him he makes me feel safe and that it's ok to be who be who I am in front of him.

The dinner party was nice, it was nice to be me for once in a while. But, I couldn't help but know that everyone around me saw what happened when I tried to off myself, and yet they are acting as it it didn't ever happen just like my parents, and I get that because I was too but there was so much unspoken tension that scared the living hell out of me.